Dancing with Santa

Oliver dances. A lot. He would rather dance than crawl, walk or sleep. If there is a dissonant noise going on somewhere, you can rest assured my whiter than white son will find a rhythm in it somewhere and will start rocking back and forth! Well, over Christmas, Oliver was taught a new dancey dance by our mechanical Cowboy Santa. Now instead of bopping, he rolls his hips and thrusts his pelvis.

Can't wait to teach him the time warp! Video to follow (as soon as I figure out which camera it is on.)

Baby's Day Out

Early in the morning me and Daddy got into the big red truck and started driving. We had important man things to do. You need a truck to do man things. We jammed out to the radio (my favorite song is "Going to the Zoo" and Daddy's is " Teddy Bear Picnic", ate some 'Os and Daddy drove when I got too tired. I wasn't sure where we were going, but it sure was fun!

We stopped for some lunch. I ordered a bacon burger and french fries to share with Daddy. It was delish and Grandma was there! Then, the big surprise! A big room stuffed with stuff! Oh it couldn't have been more exciting! We left the big heavy thing we had brought with us and headed to Grandma's house!

They have a swing there, and a big fluffy dog and a Grandpa and an Uncle Ryan! They even got a brand new toy called a Back Door. You open it, you close it, who thinks of these things!? Daddy kept trying to get me to drink some milk but it didn't taste quite right, plus you could actually SEE the milk inside, tres weird. Poor daddy, he didn't know, Sippy cups are for water, Mommies are for milk.

I started to miss my mommy at the end of our trip, but once my favorite song came on the radio I couldn't help but give in to her siren song. Ahhh sleepy time.

I love my mommy, but sometimes a boy needs to just get away from the apron strings and unwind you know? Thinking about getting my own apartment...

Mommy's Day Out

Oh 'twas heaven! CT took Oliver for the day and I got to do whatever I wanted, All. Day. Long. My day started with a cup of coffee, drank it slow and easy. Then, a shower until I got pruny. I got an hour long massage (which made me oily - should have done this first) and it was great! The massage therapist asked if I did heavy lifting for a living. Apparently hauling a soon to be toddler all over creation creates quite the back muscles!

I went home for lunch - because I am still somewhat on a budget - and I painted my toenails. There was much knitting and relaxing and watching of trashy television! Then, a friend called and asked if I wanted to see a movie. DO I!? Know what is better than a movie? Movie with a bucket of beer. And so it was, we went to Alamo Drafthouse for brews and cinema. Note: Role Models isn't as stupid as it looks

After the movie, I met a second friend for drinks and sushi. About halfway through dinner I remembered that I was a mommy. Rather, my boobs reminded the entire restaurant by inflating to twice their size and leaking all over my sashimi. If I was any less blissed out I would have been embarrassed. So, after hurrying home to pump I took a long long long bath with a good book.

You know how youth is wasted on the young? Well solitude is wasted on the single.

Best. Surprise. Ever.

Aunt Britty and Uncle B are back in Texas!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! It was a total surprise too, they weren't due in until Thursday, but they just showed up Sunday at our weekly family dinner!

We screamed so loud that Oliver started crying. Poor kid! I hate to say it, but Ollie may have been a bit more interested in Brew (the Mastiff) than his long lost relatives!!

They will be staying for 4-6 months while Uncle B finds the perfect school to attend for his Masters Degree. Whatever the reason, we are so happy to have them back!

Fall Fell: A Tale in Pictures

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Oliver. Oliver was a happy boy, but sadly, Oliver lived in a land where there were no seasons. Where he lived there was no welcomed cooling crispness of fall, no silent fall of the first snow of winter and no happiness of a single spring flower breaking through the quiet slumber of winter. Oliver lived in a place where all the months ran together in a never ending parade of sweat stained shirts and frizzy hair. Oliver lived in Texas

But Oliver didn't know all this yet, he was young enough to have hope. He read in a book once that during "Fall" the weather would turn cold and leaves would fall from the trees. He looked forward to this so called "Fall."

One day, while driving around, saying how do you do to all he met, something went terribly wrong. His tractor simply sputtered and died!!!










He reluctantly climbed out of the seat, and grabbed his tools to see what could possibly be the matter. After a long look at the engine, he noticed a clump of brown leaves caught in the engine. How odd! Usually the only time leaves were brown was when it hadn't rained for a while, or as they called it in Texas, "Summer" But it wasn't Summer, it was December! Hmmm, perplexing!



He was pausing to wonder about this leave problem when he looked up at the tree above. All of the leaves were brown! And as he looked, a mighty wind shook the tree and he was buried in a pile of dead, brown leaves.

It was scary.

After he finished screaming, he decided to pick himself up, brush himself off and get to work. The leaves were an eyesore, and the HOA would not allow him to keep his yard looking such a fright.










And thus ended Oliver's first Fall. It may be 80 degrees in Texas, but at least you have to rake!

The End.

Tree Trimming, Toddler Style

When I was little, Christmas started and ended at Mama's house. As soon as we got out of school we would pack up and head to her house in the country. We would have fires, sing carols, make food (tons of food) and of course, there was the tree.

My grandmother. Mama, has a thing about her tree. Mama always has a beautiful tree. When we were little we all begged to help her decorate and each Christmas we would hear about the mythology behind each ornament. All were special, and each had their specific places. Some were Baby's First Christmases from her three children, and 9 grandchildren. There were ugly, handmade, and treasured ornaments, there were expensive Martha Stewart-esque ornaments. We were all allowed to help carefully place these ornaments but mysteriously, all of the ornaments we clumped haphazardly were reset by "Christmas Elves" while we weren't looking. Over the years, we learned it was better to just watch the master trim the tree, rather than try to get involved. We still felt like we were helping, after all, we cut her job in half since she no longer had to redo our shoddy work.

When it was all said and done, Mama had transformed bits and pieces of our family's history (including a Baby's First Christmas from 1981 - though none of us were born in '81 - it was on sale) into a tree that could make the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. We all know our place now, on the couch, among the boxes upon boxes of decorations, safely drinking egg nog and listening to the stories, but we all know better now than to try and help decorate. Well, almost all of us...

Walk a Mile in my Shoes

Hi there! Oliver Goss here again. Its been a while since I have talked to all of you because it is hard to eat and type at the same time. Did you know about this stuff they call "food"? It is great! Not as good as the mama milk, but WAY better than paper. I want everyone to try it, dogs, cats, mom, dad so I soften it for them (my mommy taught me to do that) and then try to put in their noise makers. They don't like it, I wonder why, tastes great to me and they don't even have to chew it, already done!

What I am not loving is that these people keep insisting that I get around on only two legs. If I was supposed to do that, why in the heck did they give me four? Seriously these big people make things a lot harder than it has to be with their walking and chewing things themselves. A bunch of my friends are doing it but I don't get it, I mean I am SO fast and they are so slow and they keep falling down(embarrassing!) I mean, someone could get hurt! No thanks, four legs are good enough for my dog, and good enough for me.

You know what I do like? Sleeping alone. It really is fantastic, mom and dad should try it. You can wedge your head up in a corner if you want, you can sleep with your butt in the air, whatever you want! Also, I love my mom, but she snores and it is hard for a baby to get his beauty rest. Last night I slept all night long and immediately took a poop, what a great day to be alive!

On Human Digestion

Warning: this blog post is full of shit.

Oliver has been eating everything lately. EVERYTHING. People actually ask me when he is eating, "is there anything this kid won't eat?" Only took him a good 10 months to be interested and ready. He isn't a huge fan of the saltier meats like ham but that is probably okay because of the sodium content. On Thanksgiving (pictured) he ate for 15 minutes longer than everyone else did! For you moms just starting out on the solids path, the key is variety. He hates to be fed by someone, he has to do it himself and the more choices the better. I can almost hear inside his head, "ok and now some Turkey, oh and Mr. Green bean thanks for joining the party, well HELLO Ms. Peach slice and I think I can just fit a few grains of you Ricey old pal!" The kid shoves food in his mouth to the point where he had to learn to take some of it out.

Oh the things you will see (and smell) when your baby starts eating finger foods. You find out more than a medical student would on what exactly our bodies do with food. For instance, did you know that the skins of vegetables and fruits simply pass through a child's body. I can easily identify and label tomatoes, beans, and carrots. The one thing I was very nervous about was the addition of meat to his diet. I had heard such horrible things about his poops changing to toxic waste. Luckily though, the smell hasn't gotten worse at all. Of course, Oliver is still eating a vegetable centric diet, so that could be the reason, but he does have the occasional piece of turkey or chicken patty.

It is so much fun letting him try new things! So far, he likes everything but spice. He wipes spicy off his tongue.

The Maine Thing

You know what is worse than a baby with a runny nose? A baby with croup. You know what is worse than that? A baby with croup and a mommy with a raging cold and sinus infection. And what is even worse?! A baby with croup, a mommy with a sinus infection ON A PLANE. Sadly, I think I whined and cried more than Oliver did, but then I wasn't lucky enough to have a boob in my mouth the whole time. You know what it feels like when the plane lands and takes off? It feels like I tiny elf crawling up your nose and shoving an ice pick in your eye. Remember that next time you are stuck on a plane with a screaming infant. Tiny murderous elves.

It was a good trip though, full of lobster, homemade turkeys and snot. Lots and lots of snot. We saw a really fun children's museum, a real life fish monger and the inside of at least two Rite Aids. Side note: You know you are stopped up when you can't even smell the inside of a fish shop. Unfortunately we were a real thorn in the side of the friends we went to see. They have a four month old and were so afraid of her getting sick, they kept reminding us that they cloroxed everything as soon as we left. That was a bit embarrassing, and poor Oliver just wanted to be held and played with, but they were too afraid of getting our creeping crud. Not that I blame them, we looked like we had SARS. I couldn't talk for an entire day. AWESOME.

The people of Portland, Maine will never be the same. They will be sicker for one.

A bit of sleep training

Call me crazy. Call me mean. Tell me that I am creating a tiny psychopath and am a bad mother, but I will tell you something, I am now a well rested bad mother. Here is what our bedtime ritual used to look like.

5pm Fussing because it is too early for dinner and too late for nap
5:30pm I am about to go crazy waiting for CT to get home so I can make dinner
6pm Rushing through making dinner so we can feed the boy
6:30pm Giving up on making and eating dinner because baby is so fussy
7pm Nursing baby to "sleep"
7:30pm Tries to lay the baby down, he wakes up screaming as I leave the room
7:45pm Walking the baby around the room while he screams
8pm Give the baby to CT who walks the baby around the room while he screams
8:30pm Baby nurses some more
9pm Lays the baby down once more, this time without breathing
10:30pm Baby wakes screaming, sleeps with us nursing all night long

As you can see, this schedule is enough to drive anyone crazy, and without even realizing it, the baby was miserable and crying through most of it. Our need to be the perfect attachment parents drove us to try to put a crying baby to sleep by letting him cry, albeit in our arms.

So, during quite a difficult morning that was preceeded by several difficult days, a very stinky and very tired mommy decided that there are two choices here. Either put the baby down and let him cry while I take a shower (5 minutes TOPS - I shower like a man) or I will break that #1 rule and shake that baby until he stops. The choice was clear.

By the time I finished my sprint shower, there was nothing. No crying, no sobbing, no screaming. The baby was asleep. ASLEEP! 2 hours later when he woke up, I loved him again. Breakthrough! A few days later we decided to try it with night-time. He cried for three minutes, and then, sleep until 2am. Now our routine looks like this:

6pm Dinner is served, baby eats whether it is something we are eating or just cheerios
6:30pm Bathtime followed by nakey time
7pm Nursing to sleep
7:30pm Lay baby down in the crib he fusses
7:31pm I hardly get downstairs by the time he is asleep
1am Baby wakes, nursed to sleep and back in bed
7am Wake up refreshed and happy!!

So what is worse, having a baby scream in your arms for two hours or cry in a crib for 5 minutes?

Impossible!!

Moms aren't supposed to get sick. Mine never did. I always wondered whether mom's had a super duper immune system like doctors cause they never complain or get sick, they just keep going and feeding and cleaning. Well, I must be a bad mom cause I am officially sick. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband, and Oliver has a wonderful father who is staying home to take care of both of us. This is a good thing because every time I move I feel like I am going to hurl.

So, I leave you with a video of Oliver being uncooperative. In this video, he sounds like I feel. I will be back when I can keep something down. Have a good Monday!

Just in time!

CT got home at 9pm last night from his big important business trip. Oliver started puking his guts out at 11pm. Awwww, was waiting for daddy! This is our first bout with sickness, and it SUCKS. The poor little guy wakes up, demands to nurse and then about 5 minutes later is writhing in agony, then he choke/gag/pukes all over the floor. I then rock him in the glider (who has never seen such action before) until he falls back to sleep. This cycle repeats every hour or so. Linda Blair has nothing on this kid. I have never seen him so unhappy.

No fever or diarrhea, so it isn't looking like Rotavirus, and I am nauseous too, so I guess it could have been something we ate and it is just affecting him more. I will be calling the doctor this morning, who will of course suggest the sugar water called, Pedialyte. No thanks, I would rather feed him the medicine my body makes specifically for the sickness he has, but thanks for the suggestion. I have to chart pee diapers like he was a newborn to make sure he isn't getting dehydrated. I just want to hold him. He hasn't slept this late...ever.

Of course, CT's first comment: What did you give him? What did mommy do to you while I was gone? Oh nice, now my heart is broken along with me being worried out of my mind. Yes, he did eat some dish detergent yesterday morning, but I think I got it all out, he puked a few minutes later (apparently didn't like the taste) and has none of the symptoms related to poisoning by detergent. I don't get it...what DID I do??

Pray for us. It is a dark and very moist hour here at the Goss residence.

Update: I knew he was really sick when he laid his head on my chest for 20 minutes while awake. The doctor says it is just a bug and that we should just keep nursing as often as he wants to keep him hydrated. The throwing up is almost over and the diarrhea should start any second and last for days. YAY!

Getting to be fun

Not that he wasn't always fun, but I admit, this parenting thing is getting to be a blast! He responds now, he signs when he wants something (hit or miss - we are still working on it) he is starting to understand his world and I am itching to show him everything. I show him that everything in the world has a name and a sign. We are like the first people on earth, naming everything. Leaf, tree, squirrel, tomato, bug! We play music. Sometimes I am on drums, he is on the xylophone, then we switch. We like to dance, he likes to run in my arms, and he has just learned to climb stairs - up and down.

He is my little man. Every day is an adventure to see what will happen next. He is unlike all other babies. No open handed wave for my guy, nope! He prefers to make a fist and roll it around in the air like he is conducting a band. When he is really excited to see you, he will use BOTH fists. During our walks he cheese grins at neighbors, chats with squirrels and yells at scarecrows. He points out flowers that I may not have seen and gently pats the blooms.

He moves so fast now! He has the crawling thing down - much to our cats chagrin - and will pull up and walk around anything he is given. He is everywhere. He opens doors, he shuts doors, he opens doors, he shuts doors. Very intelligent!

Oh, and did I mention he is walking now!?

New blog to check out!

http://theclothdiaperwhisperer.blogspot.com/

Now, go check it out!!

My kid is boring

We had our 9 month check-up yesterday! At 20lbs, 28 inches he is in the 50th percentile all the way around. His iron levels were perfect, and he didn't even flinch when they stuck him for the blood test! Don't let the pearls fool you, he is pretty much the strongest boy in the world. When the doctor came in to tell us all of his stats it seemed like all she could do just to keep from yawning. Healthy, uninteresting and dare I say...perfect?

Example of how I talk to the doctor (Italics are to myself):
Doctor: Is he still breastfed?
Me: Yes
Doctor: Good for you! How often are you breastfeeding? 3-4 times a day?
Me: Yes. Usually more, sometimes much more
Doctor: Are you still giving him vitamins?
Me: Yes. Through breastmilk and whole foods, not that liquid vitamil crap.
Doctor: Is he switching things from hand to hand? Scooting? Able to bear weight with help?
Me: Yes. And much much MUCH more.

Other than a really embarrassing incident where I yelled at the doctor for forcibly retracting his foreskin. Well, it DID look like that is what she was doing...how was I to know that she was just checking his testicle placement?! I feel any hands on his junk other than his is a threat given our culture. Luckily she totally understood, she has sons herself!

MELTDOWN!!!

We tried to meet-up with some friends today. Key word being TRIED. Apparently, 9 months is the exact age at which they learn the intricacies of a real, honest to god tantrum. We have had crying before, we have even had throwing himself backwards out of our arms before, but never have we had it this bad.

It all started with it being a Monday. You see, Oliver ALWAYS has a case of the Mondays. CT believes it is because Oliver misses him after having him home all weekend, and I believe it is CT's fault for throwing the schedule off all weekend. Tomato, tomahto! Then, after not one, not two but three failed attempts at a nap, I decide that even if he is a bit cranky, we still need to go to the meet-up because I set it up. Well, I set it up a month ago, having no insight as to how he was going to behave this particular day.

We had just sat down, and I was just about to order an iced coffee, when he decided that all he wanted to do was to eat napkins. I, being the great and perfect mother I am, said no. This was NOT acceptable to him. He flew back, tossing his head, kicking his legs and screeching at the top of his lungs. And I was the crazy, stupid lady who brought a baby to a coffee shop. I was also the lady who marched her baby out of the coffee shop. I really thought I was going to have at least another three months before he became a complete brat. Oh well...

The House Oliver Built

This weekend Oliver helped with Hands on Housing for the second time in his little life. Third, depending on when you believe life begins. This is a community outreach project that we do with the church twice a year. A family in need is chosen and we arrive at their house to do whatever we can to make their homes more safe, clean and beautiful. Sort of like a poor man's (no pun intended) Habitat for Humanity.

Oliver, not having full use of his thumbs, helped boost moral. Every time someone would get tired, they would grab some water and come snuggle or play with him! I think I freaked some people out by letting him crawl around in the grass, but it was nice grass, not weed-grass that we have.

Then came time to nap. So I walked him, and I wore him and I fed him and I walked him again. For two hours. And then, FINALLY when it was time to go, I handed him to CT while I packed up the car. 5 seconds later: sound asleep. Nice.

Also, GO HORNS!!!

Sweeps!

So when a TV show hits it's 100th episode, there is usually some kind of Very Special Episode. Either someone gets pregnant, someone dies or a young girl learns a Very Important Lesson about her relationship with food. Well today marks the 100th post and it just so happens to also be the little one's "In/Out day" (when he has been outside the womb for as long as he was in). So in honor of these two momentous occasions, I give you, Oliver. Liam. Goss!!! A life in photographs. *Crowds Cheering*


Getting ready to go home!


Clearly mommy is afraid of the crying baby. First smile! Or just more gas.

He's officially a Texan!!
And he never wore sunglasses again...

Sometimes you are too busy for pants.

This is what 5am looks like.

It is a little known fact that pumpkins enjoy little boy pie...

This is quite possibly the most annoying video I have taken. About two seconds after the video stopped, the baby fell, as is his way.

Culinary Delights

Everything is tasty as a baby. I have a theory that there is no bad or good taste when you are 9 months old, there is only "new". Now, I am not a normal first time mom. If it isn't sharp, metal, or poison, my bet is it won't kill him if he ingests it. However, because of choking fears, I am constantly fishing things out of this kid's mouth. My baby has become a connoisseur of such delicacies as tissue paper, carpet bits, a license plate, and a surfer. Oh wait, sorry, those last two were found in the belly of the shark from Jaws. Those of you who have small children, I bet you didn't even notice.

I believe he eats the non-food products mostly for texture but the kid is not afraid of new and exciting food flavors. He has eaten spaghetti and veggie marinara sauce, well, not so much eaten as much as wore. He stole a triscuit from a toddler at our playgroup, garlic flavored no less! And yesterday he had Hummus for the first time. He LOVED it! Though, I am not sure if his tastes are to be trusted as he also loved the dog food he ate last night. Yes, this is true. My baby's first meat, after trying to delay his carnivorous ways until after a year, was chicken and beef byproduct in cheap dog food. I am really such an awesome parent.

At least he is getting his fiber...(table in photo has seen three generations of babies through teething).

Lactivism Alive in Austin

Today we went to the Breastfeeding Challenge at Republic Square Park. The goal was to get as many women as possible breastfeeding their children at the same time. It was amazing to be in such great company! I saw little babies, big babies, young babies and older babies. One thing was sure. None of these babies wanted to eat at 11am.

It didn't help that the Einstein that was organizing this event decided an air horn would be a good instrument to alert everyone to the "latch start time". Sadly, 103 women lost nipples that day. Oh well. It was the thought that counts, and I was proud to be a part of such a great event. And it worked at getting the word out! A man asked me later what we were all doing there and I proudly (and perhaps too loudly) explained to him that we were staging a breastfeeding nurse in. He sputtered once, stammered twice and quickly stumbled away.

Not all the men in the park were so uncomfortable though! There were several proud papas standing guard over their broods, just waiting for someone to look cross-eyed at their hungry allbeit distracted nurslings. I know, my husband was one of these.

The only uncomfortable thing that happened (aside from the airhorn caused head turn) was that a woman from CT's office was at the event. Nothing aids office politics like flashing a nipple.

One can't be sure

Yesterday may have been a very important day in all of our lives. Oliver may have taken his first steps. Or, he may have simply gotten tired and stopped crawling. We were in the living room, Oliver was exploring the house, when I heard a thud followed by crying. I went into the dining room to see what happened and there he was, face down in the middle of the floor.

If he had fallen while standing he would have been on his back close to a chair or something, and if he had fallen off the step he would be closer to the step. The only thing that makes sense is that he let go of a chair, took two steps and fell in the middle of the room.

Of course we missed it. This is why we need hidden cameras.

Oprah fails women

I watched Oprah last week with rapt attention. The guest: Christina Applegate. The subject: Breast cancer in young women and how it can be avoided. When asked the question, point blank, "What lifestyle choices can we make to prevent breast-cancer?" Oprah's expert said, "Diet and exercise." Of course, Oprah interrupted at that point and cut to commercial but what an opportunity missed!!

Breastfeeding is a great way to lower your risk of breast-cancer and ovarian cancer. Since it runs in my family, I will be doing what I can to prevent this in myself. Will you?

Take that Oprah!

I have a secret

I have a confession. I have been cheating on this blog. I now have two blogs.

CT and I have decided to save money by not spending money on any "extras" for three months. I have decided to write about it. You can find this new blog: Not buying it!

I didn't mean to keep this a secret, but I wasn't sure that we would stick with it (still not confident) but since it has been a week, I shall share our experience. Hopefully, and with the economy circling the drain, this blog will inspire you all to take a little less, give a little more and to be happy with what you have.

I leave you with what you all came for. Oliver.

Hell Week

Sleep deprivation, limited amount of time to eat, feats of strength and stamina and someone intimidating shouting at you to do it faster and better. Sound like Navy Seal training? Guess again, its life in a day as a mom to a 9 month old. I don't know what is going on with him but neither one of us have slept in the past week. Sure, it might be teeth - he has 8 already, how many more does he need? It might be tummy troubles - he has started eating a bunch of solids. Or, he could just simply hate me and want me to be miserable.

On days like today, when I can hardly see for the bleariness in my eyes, when my husband is sneezing every three seconds from allergies, my house is a wreck and the baby can't stop needing, I look around at my life and wonder, what would happen if I just walked out and never came back? Sometimes the only thing keeping me from doing just that is breastfeeding. He needs specifically me to take care of feeding him, and while sure, he would take a bottle after a day or two, it would wreck his world. Meanwhile, if I was formula feeding and anyone off the street could take care of him, I would have hit the road out of frustration, exhaustion and a need to hear my own thoughts jangling around in my head.

Oh and POO to anyone who thinks starting solids makes babies sleep through the night. They made mine stop.

Scariest day of my life

Today I finally felt like I was on top of things. I was getting laundry done, I had diapers on the line, and Oliver's closet was resembling an actual closet instead of a storage unit. I was doing it all! Labeling, washing, switching out 6-9 month clothing for 9-12 month clothing and even was getting rid of stuff I no longer needed on Freecycle (my obsession). Most importantly even while I was doing this, I was present for Oliver. I was showing him how to fold clothes - he unfolded, how to put things away - he opened and closed drawers, and what each thing in the room was called - he crawled away meowing at the cat. I didn't say all my efforts were appreciated.

I left him for literally 5 seconds to run downstairs to put some freecycle stuff on the front porch. I left the door open behind me just in case he started crying, which of course, he did. I look up at the balcony and there he is, head, arms and shoulders through the bars. His shoulders keeping him from moving backwards to safety, his diaper - cloth of course - keeping him from falling to the tile below. I freaked. I ran as fast as I could move up the stairs. He was stuck, but I twisted him so he was out and in my arms in seconds. I think it goes without saying that we will be installing some kind of plexiglass up there this weekend.

Afterwards, I just held him, crying. He didn't see what the big deal was and wanted to go play. Terrifying. Apparently it was God's way of getting back at me for what is commonly refered to in my family as "That Grand Canyon Stunt."

The cat's in the cradle

I am convinced that the cat is trying to kill me. I am not sure how, but I am pretty sure the door hinges are in on this somehow. I write this blog under duress and just in in case, so when I am found, my dead, lifeless body hardening under rigor mortis (or stickamortis - as my sister calls it -because you become as stiff as a stick I guess) you will know the cause of death: exhaustion. Through my power of deduction I believe I have almost cracked her evil scheme.

You see, each time the baby is about to go to sleep, the cat will will start yowling. It doesn't matter what I do! The cat could be fed, watered and locked in a closet but somehow as soon as the baby's breathing evens, and his eyes start to close and the whining (dear god the whining!) ceases, I hear it. Quiet at first, but then, louder, more insistent. "Meow? MEOW!?!" The baby's eyes fly open and sleep is off the table. The first time, it was a coincidence. The second time it was annoying. The 54th time, it was time to figure out how I could kill the cat, and make it look like an accident.

The meowing alone is not enough to convict the kitty of Sleep Depravation in the 3rd Degree though. And eventually such tactics stopped working like they once did. So, the cat escalated her attempts. Now, as soon as the baby has drifted off and is laying sound asleep in the crib, the cat starts tearing around the upstairs - claws out - to insure maximum volume when the carpet rips underneath her. This has cut nap-time from two hours to about 20 minutes, most of which is spent putting the baby down, picking the baby up, putting him down, returning to find him sitting up, putting him down again, etc.

One guaranteed way of making the baby wake up? Make food. Or coffee. It doesn't matter, the baby hates it when I do either one. I would nap with the kid, but I can't run to my bedroom and fall asleep fast enough to do so.

Passive Agressive Toddler

Scene One: The paper products isle of the local grocery store. Cute 3 year old girl in the basket in front of me, me minding my own business.

Girl: (Pointing at me) There is a mommy!
Girl's Mom: (looking at me nervously) Ummmm...
Me: That's right, I am a mommy!
Girl's Mom: (starting to breathe again) That's right! She says she is a mommy!
Me: (Smiles and leaves)

Scene Two: In the car, driving home from the grocery store.

Me: (Inside my head, a monologue starts to play) How cute was that little girl? There's a mommy! How darling! Wait. Oliver wasn't with me at the grocery store. Hm, that's wierd, I guess it was just child's intuition. Heh, heh. Out of the mouths of babes I guess. Heh, sigh. I wonder what specifically about me tipped her off. Did she notice my belly roll? Was that what gave it away? I really felt that pair of jeans I wore to the store really hid that well what with it's really high waist and tapered cuffs. Maybe not. It may have been my hair though, I mean, it is tough finding time to not only wash but fix my hair these days so I end up doing neither one normally. Who is this little kid to judge me? Rude, really, to point out that I had the TINIEST hint of spit-up on my shoulder. Was that kid taking a crack at me!? That little brat! I'd like to track her down, follow her for 20 years and then when she puts on mismatched flip-flops to just run to the store for some teething tablets and some well deserved peace, I will pop out from behind an end cap, pointing and laughing as I miniacly shout, "Now THERE'S a mommy!!"

Stuff Cute Babies Like

I got this idea from this blog I think you will agree with me that it is pretty funny and I do it a disservice by copying it.

#1 Pickles: This is only until it is on the list of acceptable foods. Normally Cute Babies only enjoy things they should not have but then lose all interest in it when they can.

#2 Computer cords: There are many uses for a computer cord. Cute Babies enjoy swinging them, pulling on them and if they are so lucky as to unplug it and then stick it in their mouth, they get a very shocking sensation. Hiding computer cords only makes the hunt more exciting at the end.

#3 Remote controls: It is unclear if Cute Babies believe this to control the noise box or not. We can only assume that Cute Babies are continually trying to change the channel to Yo Gabba Gabba.

#4 Yo Gabba Gabba: This educational show on Noggin is like Cute Baby crack. Cute Babies could be crawling, crying or trying to pull all the hair from a cat but when that crazy man in an orange hat comes on the noise box, all other things cease to be. Cool Tricks COOL TRICKS!

#5 Not R&B music: Cute Babies have a very delicate ear and while they appreciate the sophisticated sounds of classics like Row Row Row your Boat and Mary Had a Little Lamb, they will start screaming when R&B comes on. Especially if said Cute Baby had been twiddling the knobs on the stereo to where the volume was turned to '11' and the station was tuned to Jermaine DuPre.

#6 Naked Time: Cute Babies enjoy feeling the breeze on their butts. This is also a very good way for Cute Boy Babies to learn about temperature. Carpet - warm, Tile - COLD.

#7 Attention: Cute Babies will use all their charm, good looks and toothy (and sometimes gummy) grins to recieve what they so crave. When that fails to work, screaming will do the trick. Some Cute Babies will skip the cute stuff and go right into screaming. I believe these Cute Babies are just smart enough to know which works fastest.

#8 Sign Language: Cute Babies will learn how to ask you for things by using hand gestures if you use the gestures to them before and after giving them said things. Once learned, the "milk" sign will be used to mean following: 'Ouch I fell', 'I miss you mommy', 'I am bored', 'You look bored', and finally, 'I am hungry'.

#9 Trying to Walk: This is a favorite pasttime for Cute Babies. More so than 'swinging', 'picking up leaves and hiding them in their cheek pouches' and 'trying to eat the nose bulb before the nose bulb eats their boogers', they enjoy 'grabbing a sharp edge, pulling up on it and unsteadily lurching towards another sharp edge'.

#10 Obama: It is a well known fact that the Babies for Obama campaign is picking up speed. Add to that that Obama is SO easy for them to say and lets just say, if Cute Babies could vote, they would make the right choice. When was the last time YOU heard a Cute Baby say McCain??

Aging Meme

Sometimes mommies need to look back to see where they have been in order to love where they are now, and look forward to where they are going.

At a certain age women should stop dieting and start loving themselves

At a certain age men should realize the waitress does NOT want to sleep with them

When I was a kid I thought I would be childless

Now that I am older I wish I had moved to New York alone for a year

You know you are too old to get your bellybutton pierced when the piercer asks you where it is

You know you are too young to have a child when you are still scared of what others think of you

When I was in high school I listened to the music of Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails and Alanis Morressette

Nowadays I find I like the music of Ani Di Franco, Eric Clapton, Billy Joel, and Marilyn Manson (somethings never change)

On my last birthday I had VagFest 2008!

On my next birthday I want to have breakfast in bed

The best birthday present I ever got was my divorce

The first time I felt grown up was 2 hours before my son was born

The last time I felt like a kid was last week while playing silly games with my toddler

When I read 'Cunt' it changed my life

Last year was the biggest adventure of my life

Next year I hope be working at something I love

Flying on a Jet Plane

If that picture doesn't sell tickets, I'm not sure there is much hope for the airline industry! I am just now getting around to writing about our trip to Albuquerque or as I call it: "The Land of the Stare". I kid you not, all of the people look at you as if you have a boogy hanging out of your nose. It was so bad I was continually checking my zipper to make sure it was up. I digress, this is about Oliver's Travels.

The first triumph of the weekend was the fact that I was able to wake myself at 4am for my car service. Thankfully, my parents were late. I kid you not, I was very nervous about this flight. I had hideous visions of a baby screaming and a woman the spitting image of me 5 years ago glaring and whispering loudly about people who bring children on flights. I kept telling myself, just nurse him on the plane and it will be fine! Somewhere between the car and security a panicked thought entered my brain. What if he doesn't WANT to nurse!? His ears will explode and there will be baby brains all over the cabin. One emergency landing and two very angry Air Marshals later, red faces all around. I was pleasantly surprised by his willingness to cooperate though! I guess exhaustion plus inner ear pain equals perfect child. See, you CAN nurse discreetly!

Oliver was so happy to see Aunt Britty!! Oh, and Uncle B too. And of course Cousin Brew. What he was not happy to see, was his rented carseat. Do yourself a favor oh ye of pregnant stature. Do your research when buying a carseat and DO NOT get a Graco SnugRide. Not only is it a death trap, but also it forces your baby into a very uncomfortable angle. He screamed constantly. When he finally passed out from the screaming, his head flopped around like a trout, waking him again. Oh that carseat and I had it out, I am still mad about it.

These are things we learned in Albuquerque:
1. You know the rich people because they have grass.
2. There are three colors in Albuquerque. Salmon, turquoise and beige. Everything, the houses, jewlery, clothing and people come in only those colors.
3. No that man is not flirting, he is judging.
4. My mom has a secret admirer who waits tables (no kidding, he serenaded her).
5. The best thing about Albuquerque is leaving it.

No, really it was a ton of fun!! I got to meet one of my good friends online because she lives there. Shout out to Michelle and Bella!! We did everything Albuquerque and Santa Fe had to offer and then some. My favorite part had to be chillaxing with my sister, promise-in-law and mom after the baby had gone to sleep, that is why we went, and by golly, we did it! Oliver had a blast, and he was SO cute in his feety PJs that he HAD to wear because it got cold at night.

So now, we are in the clear to travel with the little one, I am really impressed by how well he did aside from the carseat. Maine, HERE WE COME!!!

I got a lot of living to do!

Due to an overwhelming response to Oliver's comments on his own life, I have asked that he update you more often in "his own words". Also by request: a translator.

Oliver: Hello my fans and family! It is I, Ollie G here with another fascinating update! I grew two feet last week, but suddenly all the furniture in my house is angry at me and have been punching me in the face for no reason. I wonder what I did to make them so mad?

Translator: Oliver learned to pull up on thing last week and has since been falling down regularly, hitting every sharp edge on the way down.

Oliver: Due to extreme conditions, I now have to use my knees to get around. It sort of hurts, but it is better than the alternative.

Translator: When we visited his Aunty and Uncle in New Mexico, the floors were so cold he could no longer stand to scoot on his tummy, so he all of a sudden started crawling everywhere.

Oliver: The kitty has started really liking me. She doesn't run as fast when she sees me coming, and she pats my cheek and chucks me under the chin. So funny!

Translator: Oliver is as fast as the cat but quiet enough so that she doesn't see him coming any longer. However, she still has claws and has used them twice to warn him. It doesn't work.

Oliver: Not everything is happiness in my world. My mouth is full of sharp objects and these people I live with won't give me any good food, only this mushy stuff that I can only assume is for fingerpainting.

Translator: Oliver has almost 8 teeth now, found 5 and 6 yesterday and 7 and 8 cut through today. Poor guy is going through the rigors of teething at lightning speeds. He accepts that he must eat solids twice a day, and will even swallow, most of the time, but would prefer to have my Frank and Angie's pepperoni pizza.

Oliver: I can fly now.

Translator: We installed a baby swing outside. He loves it.

Leave of absence

I am taking one. I need to finish Oliver's baby book so I just don't have time in the evenings right now for the blog. I will come back with a bang, I assure you! He just had his first plane trip so we have bunches to update on when I am back. I will try to post again soon!

I'm Sick

I have a very serious condition. It has cost me relationships, friendships, and even family members to look at me in disgust. Because of this disease, it is hard for me to go out in public and interact with people. I am a pariah of society and if this was 1400, I would be cast into the outskirts of town. I am of course, talking about the dreaded Foot In Mouth Disease.

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you had a time machine and a gun so that you could go back in time and shoot yourself before you could say it? Thus causing a tear in the Time Space Continuum that causes an infinite loop to play, in turn causing life as we know it to cease but you still think it would be worth it to keep from having said that stupid stupid thing!? Yea, story of my life sister. Most of the time I am normal, charming even...well, at least sorta tolerable. But there are times when I like someone, and want to be friends with them so much, I assume a intimacy that has not had time to grow yet, and end up alienating them for life.

Case in point: My sister's "sister in promise" we shall call her Memily protect the innocent. I really liked Memily, I still do! One night in New York City, we were all sitting in a bar that was classically decorated in women's bras (as opposed to Mansierres or Bros). I mentioned that I have never seen bras that small before, being dubbed Torpedos at the innocent age of 13. Then, and I kid you not, I looked over at Memily and something to the effect of "some girls aren't blessed as much as me, Tiny." She was humilated, and later when she told me if offended her, I was humiliated too.

Well, I fear my awesome interpersonal skillz have lost me another friend. Today I met Summer for lunch and we were having a really good time. Her son is precious and tiny, and she is funny and thinks I'm funny and we all know how much I like that! We were talking about all sorts of innappropriate things, including child birth experiences (seriously, her story tops all of them) and I thought, man, I really DO want to be BFF with this girl! So what do I do? I ruin it of course! As we were leaving she comments that it was cool that we parked near each other when we took pictures at the park. So I say, and again, I am not shitting you, "Yea, my husband and I knew it was you cause we thought, 'hey, that lady looks like she has just had a baby.'" OMG. It just spilled out of my mouth like so much diarrhea. She called me a jerk, laughed and left. I was so busy reeling from my utter stupidity and lack of grace that I mumbled "just kidding" and hurredly shoved Oliver into the car. I mean, I mean, jeez!!! I almost called her and left her a series of Swinger-esque phone messages until she finally told me never to call again.

In conclusion, when I look back on my life and scream to the sky in my final breath, "Why am I alone!?" Please show me this blog to remind me.