I'm Sick

I have a very serious condition. It has cost me relationships, friendships, and even family members to look at me in disgust. Because of this disease, it is hard for me to go out in public and interact with people. I am a pariah of society and if this was 1400, I would be cast into the outskirts of town. I am of course, talking about the dreaded Foot In Mouth Disease.

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you had a time machine and a gun so that you could go back in time and shoot yourself before you could say it? Thus causing a tear in the Time Space Continuum that causes an infinite loop to play, in turn causing life as we know it to cease but you still think it would be worth it to keep from having said that stupid stupid thing!? Yea, story of my life sister. Most of the time I am normal, charming even...well, at least sorta tolerable. But there are times when I like someone, and want to be friends with them so much, I assume a intimacy that has not had time to grow yet, and end up alienating them for life.

Case in point: My sister's "sister in promise" we shall call her Memily protect the innocent. I really liked Memily, I still do! One night in New York City, we were all sitting in a bar that was classically decorated in women's bras (as opposed to Mansierres or Bros). I mentioned that I have never seen bras that small before, being dubbed Torpedos at the innocent age of 13. Then, and I kid you not, I looked over at Memily and something to the effect of "some girls aren't blessed as much as me, Tiny." She was humilated, and later when she told me if offended her, I was humiliated too.

Well, I fear my awesome interpersonal skillz have lost me another friend. Today I met Summer for lunch and we were having a really good time. Her son is precious and tiny, and she is funny and thinks I'm funny and we all know how much I like that! We were talking about all sorts of innappropriate things, including child birth experiences (seriously, her story tops all of them) and I thought, man, I really DO want to be BFF with this girl! So what do I do? I ruin it of course! As we were leaving she comments that it was cool that we parked near each other when we took pictures at the park. So I say, and again, I am not shitting you, "Yea, my husband and I knew it was you cause we thought, 'hey, that lady looks like she has just had a baby.'" OMG. It just spilled out of my mouth like so much diarrhea. She called me a jerk, laughed and left. I was so busy reeling from my utter stupidity and lack of grace that I mumbled "just kidding" and hurredly shoved Oliver into the car. I mean, I mean, jeez!!! I almost called her and left her a series of Swinger-esque phone messages until she finally told me never to call again.

In conclusion, when I look back on my life and scream to the sky in my final breath, "Why am I alone!?" Please show me this blog to remind me.