Sunday, September 28, 2008

Passive Agressive Toddler


Scene One: The paper products isle of the local grocery store. Cute 3 year old girl in the basket in front of me, me minding my own business.

Girl: (Pointing at me) There is a mommy!
Girl's Mom: (looking at me nervously) Ummmm...
Me: That's right, I am a mommy!
Girl's Mom: (starting to breathe again) That's right! She says she is a mommy!
Me: (Smiles and leaves)

Scene Two: In the car, driving home from the grocery store.

Me: (Inside my head, a monologue starts to play) How cute was that little girl? There's a mommy! How darling! Wait. Oliver wasn't with me at the grocery store. Hm, that's wierd, I guess it was just child's intuition. Heh, heh. Out of the mouths of babes I guess. Heh, sigh. I wonder what specifically about me tipped her off. Did she notice my belly roll? Was that what gave it away? I really felt that pair of jeans I wore to the store really hid that well what with it's really high waist and tapered cuffs. Maybe not. It may have been my hair though, I mean, it is tough finding time to not only wash but fix my hair these days so I end up doing neither one normally. Who is this little kid to judge me? Rude, really, to point out that I had the TINIEST hint of spit-up on my shoulder. Was that kid taking a crack at me!? That little brat! I'd like to track her down, follow her for 20 years and then when she puts on mismatched flip-flops to just run to the store for some teething tablets and some well deserved peace, I will pop out from behind an end cap, pointing and laughing as I miniacly shout, "Now THERE'S a mommy!!"

Stuff Cute Babies Like

I got this idea from this blog I think you will agree with me that it is pretty funny and I do it a disservice by copying it.

#1 Pickles: This is only until it is on the list of acceptable foods. Normally Cute Babies only enjoy things they should not have but then lose all interest in it when they can.

#2 Computer cords: There are many uses for a computer cord. Cute Babies enjoy swinging them, pulling on them and if they are so lucky as to unplug it and then stick it in their mouth, they get a very shocking sensation. Hiding computer cords only makes the hunt more exciting at the end.

#3 Remote controls: It is unclear if Cute Babies believe this to control the noise box or not. We can only assume that Cute Babies are continually trying to change the channel to Yo Gabba Gabba.

#4 Yo Gabba Gabba: This educational show on Noggin is like Cute Baby crack. Cute Babies could be crawling, crying or trying to pull all the hair from a cat but when that crazy man in an orange hat comes on the noise box, all other things cease to be. Cool Tricks COOL TRICKS!

#5 Not R&B music: Cute Babies have a very delicate ear and while they appreciate the sophisticated sounds of classics like Row Row Row your Boat and Mary Had a Little Lamb, they will start screaming when R&B comes on. Especially if said Cute Baby had been twiddling the knobs on the stereo to where the volume was turned to '11' and the station was tuned to Jermaine DuPre.

#6 Naked Time: Cute Babies enjoy feeling the breeze on their butts. This is also a very good way for Cute Boy Babies to learn about temperature. Carpet - warm, Tile - COLD.

#7 Attention: Cute Babies will use all their charm, good looks and toothy (and sometimes gummy) grins to recieve what they so crave. When that fails to work, screaming will do the trick. Some Cute Babies will skip the cute stuff and go right into screaming. I believe these Cute Babies are just smart enough to know which works fastest.

#8 Sign Language: Cute Babies will learn how to ask you for things by using hand gestures if you use the gestures to them before and after giving them said things. Once learned, the "milk" sign will be used to mean following: 'Ouch I fell', 'I miss you mommy', 'I am bored', 'You look bored', and finally, 'I am hungry'.

#9 Trying to Walk: This is a favorite pasttime for Cute Babies. More so than 'swinging', 'picking up leaves and hiding them in their cheek pouches' and 'trying to eat the nose bulb before the nose bulb eats their boogers', they enjoy 'grabbing a sharp edge, pulling up on it and unsteadily lurching towards another sharp edge'.

#10 Obama: It is a well known fact that the Babies for Obama campaign is picking up speed. Add to that that Obama is SO easy for them to say and lets just say, if Cute Babies could vote, they would make the right choice. When was the last time YOU heard a Cute Baby say McCain??

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Aging Meme

Sometimes mommies need to look back to see where they have been in order to love where they are now, and look forward to where they are going.

At a certain age women should stop dieting and start loving themselves

At a certain age men should realize the waitress does NOT want to sleep with them

When I was a kid I thought I would be childless

Now that I am older I wish I had moved to New York alone for a year

You know you are too old to get your bellybutton pierced when the piercer asks you where it is

You know you are too young to have a child when you are still scared of what others think of you

When I was in high school I listened to the music of Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails and Alanis Morressette

Nowadays I find I like the music of Ani Di Franco, Eric Clapton, Billy Joel, and Marilyn Manson (somethings never change)

On my last birthday I had VagFest 2008!

On my next birthday I want to have breakfast in bed

The best birthday present I ever got was my divorce

The first time I felt grown up was 2 hours before my son was born

The last time I felt like a kid was last week while playing silly games with my toddler

When I read 'Cunt' it changed my life

Last year was the biggest adventure of my life

Next year I hope be working at something I love

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Flying on a Jet Plane

If that picture doesn't sell tickets, I'm not sure there is much hope for the airline industry! I am just now getting around to writing about our trip to Albuquerque or as I call it: "The Land of the Stare". I kid you not, all of the people look at you as if you have a boogy hanging out of your nose. It was so bad I was continually checking my zipper to make sure it was up. I digress, this is about Oliver's Travels.

The first triumph of the weekend was the fact that I was able to wake myself at 4am for my car service. Thankfully, my parents were late. I kid you not, I was very nervous about this flight. I had hideous visions of a baby screaming and a woman the spitting image of me 5 years ago glaring and whispering loudly about people who bring children on flights. I kept telling myself, just nurse him on the plane and it will be fine! Somewhere between the car and security a panicked thought entered my brain. What if he doesn't WANT to nurse!? His ears will explode and there will be baby brains all over the cabin. One emergency landing and two very angry Air Marshals later, red faces all around. I was pleasantly surprised by his willingness to cooperate though! I guess exhaustion plus inner ear pain equals perfect child. See, you CAN nurse discreetly!

Oliver was so happy to see Aunt Britty!! Oh, and Uncle B too. And of course Cousin Brew. What he was not happy to see, was his rented carseat. Do yourself a favor oh ye of pregnant stature. Do your research when buying a carseat and DO NOT get a Graco SnugRide. Not only is it a death trap, but also it forces your baby into a very uncomfortable angle. He screamed constantly. When he finally passed out from the screaming, his head flopped around like a trout, waking him again. Oh that carseat and I had it out, I am still mad about it.

These are things we learned in Albuquerque:
1. You know the rich people because they have grass.
2. There are three colors in Albuquerque. Salmon, turquoise and beige. Everything, the houses, jewlery, clothing and people come in only those colors.
3. No that man is not flirting, he is judging.
4. My mom has a secret admirer who waits tables (no kidding, he serenaded her).
5. The best thing about Albuquerque is leaving it.

No, really it was a ton of fun!! I got to meet one of my good friends online because she lives there. Shout out to Michelle and Bella!! We did everything Albuquerque and Santa Fe had to offer and then some. My favorite part had to be chillaxing with my sister, promise-in-law and mom after the baby had gone to sleep, that is why we went, and by golly, we did it! Oliver had a blast, and he was SO cute in his feety PJs that he HAD to wear because it got cold at night.

So now, we are in the clear to travel with the little one, I am really impressed by how well he did aside from the carseat. Maine, HERE WE COME!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

I got a lot of living to do!

Due to an overwhelming response to Oliver's comments on his own life, I have asked that he update you more often in "his own words". Also by request: a translator.

Oliver: Hello my fans and family! It is I, Ollie G here with another fascinating update! I grew two feet last week, but suddenly all the furniture in my house is angry at me and have been punching me in the face for no reason. I wonder what I did to make them so mad?

Translator: Oliver learned to pull up on thing last week and has since been falling down regularly, hitting every sharp edge on the way down.

Oliver: Due to extreme conditions, I now have to use my knees to get around. It sort of hurts, but it is better than the alternative.

Translator: When we visited his Aunty and Uncle in New Mexico, the floors were so cold he could no longer stand to scoot on his tummy, so he all of a sudden started crawling everywhere.

Oliver: The kitty has started really liking me. She doesn't run as fast when she sees me coming, and she pats my cheek and chucks me under the chin. So funny!

Translator: Oliver is as fast as the cat but quiet enough so that she doesn't see him coming any longer. However, she still has claws and has used them twice to warn him. It doesn't work.

Oliver: Not everything is happiness in my world. My mouth is full of sharp objects and these people I live with won't give me any good food, only this mushy stuff that I can only assume is for fingerpainting.

Translator: Oliver has almost 8 teeth now, found 5 and 6 yesterday and 7 and 8 cut through today. Poor guy is going through the rigors of teething at lightning speeds. He accepts that he must eat solids twice a day, and will even swallow, most of the time, but would prefer to have my Frank and Angie's pepperoni pizza.

Oliver: I can fly now.

Translator: We installed a baby swing outside. He loves it.




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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Leave of absence

I am taking one. I need to finish Oliver's baby book so I just don't have time in the evenings right now for the blog. I will come back with a bang, I assure you! He just had his first plane trip so we have bunches to update on when I am back. I will try to post again soon!

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm Sick


I have a very serious condition. It has cost me relationships, friendships, and even family members to look at me in disgust. Because of this disease, it is hard for me to go out in public and interact with people. I am a pariah of society and if this was 1400, I would be cast into the outskirts of town. I am of course, talking about the dreaded Foot In Mouth Disease.

Do you ever say something and immediately wish you had a time machine and a gun so that you could go back in time and shoot yourself before you could say it? Thus causing a tear in the Time Space Continuum that causes an infinite loop to play, in turn causing life as we know it to cease but you still think it would be worth it to keep from having said that stupid stupid thing!? Yea, story of my life sister. Most of the time I am normal, charming even...well, at least sorta tolerable. But there are times when I like someone, and want to be friends with them so much, I assume a intimacy that has not had time to grow yet, and end up alienating them for life.

Case in point: My sister's "sister in promise" we shall call her Memily protect the innocent. I really liked Memily, I still do! One night in New York City, we were all sitting in a bar that was classically decorated in women's bras (as opposed to Mansierres or Bros). I mentioned that I have never seen bras that small before, being dubbed Torpedos at the innocent age of 13. Then, and I kid you not, I looked over at Memily and something to the effect of "some girls aren't blessed as much as me, Tiny." She was humilated, and later when she told me if offended her, I was humiliated too.

Well, I fear my awesome interpersonal skillz have lost me another friend. Today I met Summer for lunch and we were having a really good time. Her son is precious and tiny, and she is funny and thinks I'm funny and we all know how much I like that! We were talking about all sorts of innappropriate things, including child birth experiences (seriously, her story tops all of them) and I thought, man, I really DO want to be BFF with this girl! So what do I do? I ruin it of course! As we were leaving she comments that it was cool that we parked near each other when we took pictures at the park. So I say, and again, I am not shitting you, "Yea, my husband and I knew it was you cause we thought, 'hey, that lady looks like she has just had a baby.'" OMG. It just spilled out of my mouth like so much diarrhea. She called me a jerk, laughed and left. I was so busy reeling from my utter stupidity and lack of grace that I mumbled "just kidding" and hurredly shoved Oliver into the car. I mean, I mean, jeez!!! I almost called her and left her a series of Swinger-esque phone messages until she finally told me never to call again.

In conclusion, when I look back on my life and scream to the sky in my final breath, "Why am I alone!?" Please show me this blog to remind me.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Family portraits!

Yesterday Oliver, CT and I had our first professional photos taken of us as a family. Starring, of course, Ollie G! It was the most fun EVER! And we got a fantastic woman to take the pictures of us. Her name is Summer Miles (remember it when she is the hardest photographer to get in Austin), and she was so much fun to hang with. I found her on Meetup.com, she is an Attachment Parent as well and when she told me she was starting her own portrait business, I had to jump on the opportunity! Apparently she used to work for magazines doing fashion photography, but luckily for us, she left it to have a son a few months ago. Now, she is stuck with "No Neck" McGee and family - I tried my best to make Tyra proud.

We went to a peacock park near Mt. Bonnell - is it wierd I STILL haven't gone there? - called Mayfield Park. It was beautiful!! We got to see baby peacock chicks, it never occured to me that something that beautiful and big started off so cute and small. There was a Quinceanera going on at the same time (holy David Bowe that was a Labyrinth dress!) as well as a bridal portrait session but no one gave us grief, it was so much fun. So, instead of posting video or photos here, I will post the Flicker site she gave us to see the proofs. If you like what you see and live in the Austin area, Summer Miles is the way to go. Let me know if you want her contact info!!

Goss Family Portraits

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-changes!


Odd thing this having children. One minute they are laying on the rug, cooing at the ceiling fan and the next, they are writing their own blog about taking care of their decrepit parents. In a span of just a week or so, Oliver has gone from having two teeth, being seen and not heard, and being somewhat immobile to cutting his THIRD tooth, saying mama and trying to pull up on everything.

On Teeth: It is so painful looking and a bit gross. Sorta like Alien where the the alien is about to burst through the guy's stomach? You can see the huge white tooth under the gums trying to push it's way out. And those teething necklaces everyone raves about? They drive him CRAZY. He is actually more fussy and a bit angry when I put it on him and he cheers up right after I take it off of him. I guess it must be a sensory thing. The tooth doesn't seem to bother him too much, he sleeps more and eats more, but not too bad!! I am a bit worried that he will now have "pinchers" (the tooth coming in is the top left one). There is something about that third tooth that makes me sad. The first two came in so fast it was a surprise so I didn't have time to feel. This one is lurking under the surface as if to say, he isn't your baby anymore, he is growing up!! This makes me so sad!

On Talking: All of a sudden on Monday, after weeks of saying mama mama mama to him repeatedly my little boy said "Mama". Well, he actually said MAMAMAMAMAMAMA. And it wasn't to me, it was to his exersaucer but I still feel that we are making good progress here. He air chews now, which I think is due to his teeth growing, it is so cute. I can't wait until he gets that I am mama, not the dog. He is also growling, so we are taking advantage and asking "what does a lion say?" That way at least he is right. Along with talking, we are trying to teach him sign language, but we will save that for another blog.

On Toddling: He is a crawler for sure. Forward motion and if he has motivation, he is pretty fast. However, he is now pulling up on everything too. He may be ready for standing, but gravity is not. Note to self: get bandaids. I was doing the dishes yesterday (first mistake) and he was playing quietly on the floor (I thought) when all of a sudden I turn around and he has pulled up on the dishwasher door and was standing hunched over!!! HOLY MOLEY!!! So dangerous! Doesn't he know that corners are NOT our friend?

I am going to go see if I can buy out a foam rubber factory now. Every surface must be covered. This house is going to look like a mental institution. I mean, more than it already did what with the crazies running around here.

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