Things That Make Oliver Angry

1. People who don't like him to eat when he is hungry. Apparently some people take issue with babies eating in public. I guess it is because in their sicko minds, they can't separate sex from baby food containers. The same people who stare at babies attached to boobies are usually the same meanies who glare at you when the baby is starving to death and wailing.

2. People who want him to have a blanket over his head while he eats. This is an offshoot of the previous statement. Babies are about two degrees hotter than we are at all times. Add to this the combined body heat of the mothers body. Then throw an afghan over them both. Really comfortable I assure you. His table manners aren't even that bad! He chews with his mouth closed and never spills on the tablecloth. The next time I am at a restaurant and I see bad manners I am going to suggest that the person puts a blanket of their head. That is truly disgusting.

3. "Its a Fact" statements when they are really just opinions or falsehoods. An example of this comes from the email updates I get from BabyCenter. "It's a Fact: Because breast milk doesn't contain enough vitamin D, breastfed-only babies need vitamin D drops (200 IU per day) starting at 2 months of age." Oh really? The vitamin D we get from the sun? I live in Texas people, the sun is out 363 days a year! Actually the supplements are only needed if you are: A. From the North B. Dark skinned C. Never take your baby outside D. (and I quote) NOT FROM A WESTERN COUNTRY!!!

4. Circumcision on the basis of looks, hygiene or because babies don't feel pain. This one really peeves Oliver off. He is very attached to his foreskin. Know why? Because it is attached to him, that is why! Some doctors don't even use pain numbing medication, did you know that!? Did you also know that they strap the babies down on boards to do it? That parents can not watch the procedure and that they hold the babies until they stop crying so the parents are none the wiser?! Penises aren't pretty anyway, don't cut your son so that they have a more pleasing package. If you are concerned about hygiene, teach your son to wash. Having an extra fold should not be a reason for infant surgery, if it was, all women would be circumcised as well and I don't know about you but my women parts aren't going nowhere. Its called a washcloth people, use it!

5. Waking up from a nap. This isn't a political statement, he just really hates it. Don't we all?

6. Those nose suckers. While I tend to really enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when sucking a particularly stubborn booger out of my baby's nose, he is under the impression that we are actually trying to vaccum his brains out. He would rather suffocate than have that plastic tube stuck up his nose. Fortunately for him, I would rather he not. It took me too long to create the guy to let a snot ball get the better of him.

7. A parked car. Don't ask me how he knows that the car is stopped, but he does. He could be sound asleep but once that light turns red, the wailing begins. I have taken to begging traffic lights to stay green just for me. They never listen.

8. Low altitude. Give him a shoulder or give him death.

9. Tummy Time. He must have been reading all of the literature there is out there about SIDS because he believes that everytime we place him on his tummy on his cute little playmat, we are trying to kill him slowly. It probably confuses him to why we enjoy watching him suffer in such a way.

10. The flash of a camera. Can't help you here kid, better get used to it cutie!