25 Ways to be a Helping Lover

A friend of mine sent me an email today called "25 Ways to be a Loving Helper". I know she meant well, but as a new mom who can hardly find the time to poop, it made me feel inadequate, selfish and a little irritated. So I have decided to make a new list that better fits my life and our goals to have a realistic partnership.

Also, to be funny...



1. Try to ask your husband about his day, you won't be able to hear over the baby screaming, but he likes you to ask.

2. Pretend to be asleep but secretly, check out you husband's ass when he is getting ready. Catcall if you are feeling frisky.

3. Try and change your clothes and the baby before your husband gets home, this gives the illusion of competence.

4. Make a list of meals you can make for dinner. Give him a choice of three when you ask him what he wants to eat. Men like options they just don't want to come up with them on their own.

5. Read Car and Driver on the can. When you can talk intelligently about cars, he won't notice you haven't showered in two days.

6. When you go to nurse the baby, hum a stripping tune. Bum shicka bum shicka boom boom boom.

7. When your husband calls to ask if he can bring anything home, always say "diamonds".

8. Let your husband have hobbies, but when the baby is crying non-stop and it is after 5pm, hobby time is over!

9. 10 minutes is all you need to clean the house just enough to cover up the fact that you have been sitting around all day in your PJs.

10. Try not to laugh out loud when your husband makes sexual advances at you. If you are less than three months post-partum, try not to scream.

11. If he complains about your cooking...never mind, with a new baby he won't have time to taste it and you won't have time to eat it.

12. Thank him for the baby's mouth/toes/whatever part of his is evident in your child.

13. When the baby is screaming or projectile vomiting remind him of the baby's mouth/toes/whatever part of his is evident in your child.

14. Go to dinner, just the two of you. Let him make all the plans because that way if something goes wrong, he can't blame you. Also, you won't have time to make plans.

15. Be the keeper of the money. Part of being a new mom is the urge to protect your baby's future. Part of being a new dad is wanting a new TV...apparently...

16. Learn how to kiss your partner again, it is important to give you children something to go "ewwwww!" at as they grow.

17. When you get up at 2, 4, 6 and 8am to feed the baby, don't insist on him changing the baby, let your husband sleep. Of course, mutter "Asshole" under your breath as you walk down the hall. He won't hear you over his snoring.

18. Support your husband through all the seasons of his life: pre-children, children, post-children...

19. Make sure your relationship comes first. When someone continually asks you what you do with all your "free time" kick your husband until he tells them.

20. Remember: Don't attribute conspiracy something that could be just as easily explained by incompetency. Men aren't mean, they're stupid.

21. Know that no matter what atmosphere you create in your home, it is the tingle you get when he calls in the middle of the day for no reason that makes your home a refuge.

22. Hold hands often, you will need the added support when the 3 hour night sleeps catch up with you both.

23. Remember funny, interesting and odd things that happen to you through out the day so when HE asks YOU about YOUR day, you have something to say.

24. A stream of breast milk to the eye is sometimes the easiest way of saying, "Not tonight dear!"

25. When your husband comes home, give him the baby and go take a shower. Alternatively, you can put the baby in the bouncy seat and ask him to join you.

Bonus Suggestion: Don't lose your identity as woman in your roles as wife and mother. Your husband didn't fall in love with a wife or a mother, he fell in love with you.