Discipline for the Attached Parent

Lately, at the prompting of certain people in my life who believe Oliver needs more discipline, I have made it my mission to learn more about this particular point of parenting. It used to be so easy! Screaming=boob. Now the kid has all these emotions, needs, boundaries and confusions I have to deal with.

I am not a spanker. Or rather, I am. That is my first reaction, to hit when I am frustrated with Oliver's behavior, or angry with him or just sick of hearing him cry for no reason. This is why it is NOT an option for my family. It would be used incorrectly and with anger, and I know this and will not allow my child to be raised with fear. Fear can be a great parenting tool, until they grow up and you realize that perhaps the reason you never get calls or they have a really hard time telling the truth and living authentically is because you scared the ever loving crap out of them when they were a child. I would like instead to breed an environment of trust, cohesiveness, and cooperation in my house.

So, while I agree that CT and I need to be more consistent, and the kid DOES need boundaries, I have to think that there are more ways than one to accomplish just this, with the end relationship that I want. To this end, I have been reading every form of "gentle discipline" book I can get my hands on. The three I found most helpful were:

Without Spanking or Spoiling
This is more of a work book, lots of things to fill out and quizzes to take to see what kind of kid you want, and what kind of parent you tend to be. Then they sorta give you help on how you can best raise your child according to your values. For instance, if one value you hold quite high is Independence, then you can't really get angry at your kid for always wanting to "help" you cook. What they are really saying is that Parent Patience=Child Independence. In a similar way, if you value empathy in a child (apparently NOT fostered in many boys these days and something I am trying very hard to instill) you must take the extra step to explain why we are sad when our friends get hurt, even if we didn't hurt the friend. Parent Communication=Child Empathy, etc. This book helped me to slow down, look at the situation and see what can be taught/learned from each situation. Oliver is really benefiting, and it is fun to watch him scramble eggs and makes me proud when he hugs his friend who got hurt, gentlemen come from gentle boys.

The Emotional Life of Toddlers
This book really pissed me off the entire time I read it. For someone who is struggling to get her toddler to say ANYTHING, it does not help to read a book entirely comprised of babies who start speaking in full paragraphs at age 9 months. I don't know where they found these tiny geniuses, but a lot of the book I was yelling "uh SURE you can talk it out, they TALK!!!!" However, all in all, it gave some really good advice as to why kids do things that seem contrary to what they actually want. Biting when playing, potty training regression, daycare issues, and even night waking. It doesn't give advice like some parenting books, but it has great tips you can glean from it. It was really just refreshing to read a book that didn't have a philosophy for once, although attachment was touched on several times, and how an attached child is a secure child etc. they approached it from a non-confrontational and less than high and mighty stance.

Playful Parenting
I am only about a quarter of the way into this book and it is already making me really want to have enough energy to be a better parent. As I have already stated, this is very much a wrestle around, get down on the floor, and really listen and respond accordingly book. In other words, I am pretty sure the author wouldn't be happy with my current parenting plan of turning on the TV and taking a nap. Of course, I am also pretty sure that the author has never had to make two kidneys and a liver in the span of a week, as he is a man. I really like this book though, I think it is especially critical that parents of boys and more active/less expressive girls read this book. My favorite tidbit so far: When a child says a curse word or a mean word, instead of washing their mouth out with soap (uh....since when is feeding your kid poison a good parenting choice?!) you tell them, "oh say THAT word all you want, but whatever you say, do NOT say 'farfignugen'" It takes the allure of the curse away, and gives them something else naughty to say that is also hilarious. This is definitely a book more for older kids, but I definitely see where it comes in handy for younger too. Case in point: Biting. Oliver has started biting me and CT when he gets too excited during play, so we have made it a game instead of smacking his mouth when he does it. I know he does it because he loves us so hard he wants to eat us, we have ALL felt this way, I feel this way about him even! So, now when he starts to bite us, I say something like "don't really bite, lets pretend!!" And then I chomp chomp on his arm or whatever as if it is a feast, and he does the same to me. Exaggerate how FULL of Oliver I am afterwards, and he giggles so hard!! We all have a blast and he doesn't bite. Well, he bit CT, but I haven't told him the secret yet...

Of course, if all else fails, I can just chase him around with the death car.