When overacheivers become parents

One word oh ye of little humor: Sarcasm.
When I do something, I become obsessed. Not only do I buy the thing, use the thing and join online clubs about the thing, I try to get everyone I know and some people I don't to do the thing as well. It doesn't matter whether it is a new TV show I am watching, book I am reading or pair of jeans that make my ass look great (this hasn't happened yet, but when it does...) . Not only do I have to find out everything about it as it consumes my entire world, I feel that it is my mission in life to get everyone I know on the same band wagon. For example, or as they say in Guatamala, Por Ejemplo: I love a lipstick, everyone must buy and use the lipstick religiously regardless of whether they too are albino.

The same holds true for my parenting style. When I lost, I mean quit, I mean got laid off from my job and became a stay at home mom, the idea of parenting became my life's work. I was going to perfect the job and every time a mom just happened to have an epi pen for another mom's child at the park while her allergy free child played on the jungle gym, it would be known as "pulling an Alyssa". As most of you already know from observing casually from the sidelines, I am probably the best parent that ever lived. This is due mostly to me having the most smartest and handsomest baby that ever lived but I digress...back to me. Being the best parent, surprisingly, didn't come naturally to me (killer of all things green and living). I had to work at it, though not too hard, having a baby doesn't mean never having to say you didn't shower.

When I was pregnant, I was bound and determined to learn everything I possibly could about being a mom. The books alone set us back so far the only way we are going to be able to afford college is if he gets a dance scholarship (what? football is dangerous!) Luckily, thanks to a thing called the internet, I slowly but surely became an expert on the basics, sleep, crying, pooping that sort of thing. But it wasn't enough of a challenge. I needed more. So I added exclusive breast feeding to the mix. I could feel the tension to be the best rising, it felt like a hug from Jesus.

Then I thought, everyone breastfeeds, what can I do to set myself apart from the "regulars"? Several ideas crossed my mind. Sewing? Nah, needs a machine. Knitting? Tried it but I am slow and I have enough friends who do it well to keep me in blankets for years. No, I thought, what can I disguise my ulterior motives of supreme mommy-dom with cheapness, greenness...hmmm.... Then it hit me. CLOTH DIAPERING. Just the ticket I needed to put my name down in the all time best mommy hall of fame. Ahhhh, the panic I missed so much from being removed from, ahem, no longer in the workplace was setting back in.

Now, since I have mastered these, my new goal is to get all of my friends on the same road to greatness. I want them to join me in my struggle to be the best, resulting in stress, guilt and panic that they aren't the best and perfect parent I obviously am. I am no longer a stay at home mom. I have moved to management!