Entry for a new sling!

I am trying to score a new sling, so I am posting this awesome contest here! Check it out all you preggers! I love baby wearing!

Win a Free Ergo Baby Carrier from Along for the Ride

Brilliance!!!

My son is irrefutably brilliant. He likes to stand more than lay around like other, slacker, babies. He enjoys great programming such as Star Trek and The Daily Show while Baby Einstein makes him cry. He has named all of his mobile animals and carries on baby conversations with them and best of all...he blogs. Can YOUR baby blog??? I. Rest. My. Case.

Now, this may not be advanced of him, but he did something so wonderful, so spectacular, so awe inspiring, that I was struck mute. Just kidding, that will never happen. Nonetheless, it was fantastic. The story goes a bit like this: The child hated tummy time. Couldn't figure it out until I read something somewhere (like how I trusted a source I didn't take the time to remember?) that babies feel more comfortable moving around on their tummies when they are naked. So I said, what the hey, naked time is good for both rashes and the soul! The first time we tried it, he was able to push himself up and play like that for 15 minutes. I threw in baby massage to keep it interesting. The second time - can we roll the clip? I do want to warn you that the images of baby bits in this video may be NSFW. Oh apparently my video was deemed obscene by photobucket. They have been deleted.

Not sure if this is advanced or normal timing, but with a butt like that...who cares!

God Save the Swing

A beautiful thing has happened at our house. It is called peace, and it is made by Fisher-Price. While at a friend's house, who have a new baby two months younger than Oliver, we put him in their baby's swing just to see what would happen. And you know what happened? Quiet happened. Happy happened. Oh what joy, what bliss!

This is not the swing I was raised with. No crank on this baby! No, this swing comes with more gadgets than my car. It has five music settings: sleep, play, rainfalling and forest noises. It has six speed settings and two different ways of swinging - back and forth and side to side. It has several recline settings, and a mobile that moves in a circle and opens and closes. It is like a baby wonderland in that thing. With help from "Mommy's Little Helper" I was able to eat - wait for it - while. the. baby. was. awake. I bet soon, I will be able to cook dinner too!!

Don't worry, all you nay-sayers without newborns, he isn't in it 24-7. I restrict access to the swing because I am afraid of addiction. Me, not him. Now the schedule in the house looks like this:
8 or 9am: Wakeup, feed, change
9-10: Play/tummy time
10 - 11: Swingtime/coffee and breakfast for mommy
11am: Change, Feed to sleep
11 - 12pm: NAPTIME (the swing makes this transition SO much easier since he is already relaxed!!)
12pm: Feed and Change - This is when he normally has his poo explosion
12-2pm: Out and about time - any errands happen now but we have a two store maximum. Oliver will start throwing poop at people if we are out any longer than that.
2pm-4pm: Change, Swing, Feed, NAPTIME
4-6pm: Play, snuggle, etc.
6pm -On: Who cares! Daddy is home and I am off the clock!!!

I find it necessary at this time to say that this is a baby imposed and not mommy imposed schedule. Some days are like this, some days I want to rip my hair out because the baby decides he needs LESS sleep than I do. Humph.

Three months down...

Three months down and I am still here. This is the longest I have ever worked somewhere and not wanted to throw myself off the roof. The hours suck but you can't beat the benefits! This is the time that many women go back to work. Everyday that I wake up with this little warm body next to me, I am so glad that I don't have to make the decision of who to leave him with every morning. I am lucky...that person is me!
Lessons Learned:
1. The phone will ring as soon as the baby has gone to sleep.
2. If all the phones are off, some fine upstanding young men in suits on bikes come by to visit.
3. My child is not unlike the bus in the movie "Speed". If the car speed drops to below 60mph, he explodes. I have actually gone far out of my way to avoid a stop sign or red light.
4. Moms in minivans drive horribly for a reason.
5. A sure cure for constipation is a brand new cloth diaper.
6. It's true: The more you sleep, the more you sleep.
7. The smell of food makes babies angry.
8. God made pacifiers for a reason.
9. Luxury is a cup of coffee, heaven is having cream in it, nirvana is a band that was awesome in the 90s.
10. There is no accounting for taste. Despite Baby Einstien's best efforts, Miss Mary Mack is Oliver's favorite song.

Questions I still have:
1. Why is TV so bad, but blinking lights, moving stuffed animals and loud repetitive music beneficial?
2. Why do you need two people to unfold a stroller? If I had two people I wouldn't NEED the stroller.
3. How does he know how fast the car is going? I blame the angle of the baby mirror...he can see my speedometer.
4. When does it change from "loving" to "spoiling"?
5. Why do parents think Sleeping Through The Night is the be all, end all of parenting? If it is, my parents failed.
6. Why must every prayer at church be punctuated by a fart, burp or minute long poop? LOUU people, back me up on this.
7. Why do people think "he has your cheeks" is a compliment?
8. Why does he wait for daddy to come home to finally do the thing I have been trying to get him to do all day? IE. laugh, sleep, eat
9. Teething at three months?
10. Is he trying to make me look stupid? As soon as I get the video camera, he stops whatever cute/advanced/awesome thing he was doing. Case in point:

Oh baby (pillow)

We have had some good times you and I. We have been through two different continents, five countries, one failed marriage and countless sleepless nights together. I promised I would never throw you away and never share you. You have cooled my cheek when I raged with fever, and helped me sleep when I was less than comfortable. When others laughed at a college student who still slept with their security pillow, I laughed at THEM because they didn't have one. And hey, at least it isn't a Barbie head. True story - a friend of mine has a barbie head she holds when she sleeps.

Well, it is time I passed you on to someone else now. There is someone who needs you more than I do. I was lucky and had a wonderful woman who was an amazing sewer make you for me. But since she is gone now, my baby deserves to have a part of her close to him when he sleeps. Take care of him like you have taken care of me through thick and thin. Comfort him when he cries and cool his cheek so he can sleep. Thanks for the memories!

Oh who am I kidding? I need that pillow more than him! He is just a baby! He doesn't have the stresses I do! Plus, it isn't like he NEEDS the pillow, he has his paci, his mommy, his daddy, I don't want to spoil him afterall. That kid takes everything from me, I will be darned if he gets this from me too!! HEY! BABY! Get the heck off my pillow!!

Shaken Mama Syndrome

You always hear about these horrible mothers who shake their babies. We all gasp with shock and horror at the atrocities that befall their little ones. Those without children swear up and down that they would never do such a thing. Those with children lie through their teeth and agree. I do not believe I am alone in saying that sometimes it takes every ounce of self control not to do such a thing to this innocent, helpless, beautiful, annoying as heck baby who WILL. NOT. STOP. CRYING. Just when I think, it couldn't get louder, somehow he finds a new cry that is even more shrill, more loud and more cringe worthy than the last. Is he the love of my life? Yes. Do I sometimes want to throw him out with the bathwater? Yes. Would I ever do such a thing? Lets just say I am glad that my husband is available in the evenings. I am pretty sure he is doing this to annoy me.

Sure I feel like a horrible mother for even thinking such things. But really, I think it means that I am a normal mother. You think Mother Nature made babies so wide eyed and cute because they were easy?! No way! She knew that each and every one of us would stare at this little human larvae that came rip roaring out of your lady parts after 11 hours of pain with eyes not that of a mother but that of a victim in a horror movie. The only thing saving these helpless creatures and thusly, the human race from extinction, is the same thing that saves puppies from being drowned. Big eyes, soft skin and tiny features. How simple are we? There is a theory we studied in college that there really is no such thing as 'altruism' even between mother and child. The only reason we want to help our children survive and grow up is because it benefits us to have our spawn go on. A way for us to live forever.

We had a good run of it though. A good three months with consistent sleeping, eating, pooping schedules and very little crying. I believe this new development can only be called Colic. Which is a doctor's nice way of saying, "I have no idea why your baby is crying. That will be a $30 copay please." Having done some research while hiding from my child in the living room, apparently he should outgrow this stage by...oh yes, three months. I hope someone tells him that, cause he must have misread his 'How To Be A Baby' manual and thought it said he should start being colicy at three months.

Ode to Daddy

Of all the tall guys in my life, I like this one the best. He is just the right big so that I feel secure yet superior when he puts me on his shoulder. He knows just the amount of sway/rock that I like to put me at ease. When I want something, but The Boob isn't it, that something is him...or my paci, but he gets that for me too. The first thing he does when he wakes up is to check on how I slept, followed by a quick change before breakfast. Who knew a new diaper could be so much fun!?

We have the best time! Sometimes he reads me stories, sometimes he sings me songs. I guess he read somewhere that I might like high voices better, so he sings like a lady sometimes. He tells me jokes and I try so hard to laugh but I haven't quite chosen my laugh yet. He knows this and so tries all sorts of different laughs out on me. I have narrowed it down to three, the chuckle, the guffaw and the giggle. Right now, when he talks to me I get so excited all I can do is gasp for air. He is that funny.

He is a big important person. I know because he has a tappy screen that he uses at night so he can be around me and do his work at the same time. I never have bad dreams because I know he is so big the monsters wouldn't dare! His beard tickles me when he kisses me goodbye in the morning, but I can't wait for him to be home so I can get tickled when he kisses me hello in the evening. He worries that I am cold and The Boob worries when I am hot, between them, I stay just right.

Yes, it is too bad that not every baby can have the tall guy like I do. I shall name him something special because of all the things I love about him. I shall name him...Daddy.

Save the Drama for your Mama

OK, so, I have online friends. I admit it sounds dorky at first. I have been with them since I was trying to conceive Oliver. For over a year I have relied on the friendship, support, knowledge and humor of these girls who are a cross section of America. On www.twoweekwait.com I learned how to chart my ovulation, I grieved with others when they lost pregnancies, rejoiced with them when they were once again pregnant, these girls taught me how to breastfeed, they also taught me the thrill and addiction to new fluffy mail. We talked about everything! Cervix position, mucus, discharge, sex, cracked nipples, cooter stitches, hemorrhoids and laundry. You can see why I feel comfortable with these girls and consider them to be my friends and not just some people on a board somewhere.

I felt that we were close enough to ask a simple question to my friends. I asked, "why do people formula feed?" It was a post written out of love for breastfeeding not out of judgment to those mamas who don't, but it quickly escalated. Now what used to be a supportive, loving and peaceful board is a shit storm of emotion, anger and hurt. The formula feeding moms think we are saying formula is poison, (no but the formula companies MAY be the devil - more later) the breast feeding moms are interrupting perfectly peaceful threads about formula feeding. Things are getting ugly.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I believe this to be true. There is more guilt involved in child rearing than you can shake a stick at, and don't you know that shaking a stick is dangerous around a child anyway?! You could put someone's eye out! No matter what you do, if you are not confident in your decision, you will feel like a failure. If you feed your baby breastmilk, someone is going to think it is gross. If you feed your baby formula, someone is going to think you are neglecting it.

I have been called several names both publicly and privately these past few days, by those women I used to call friends. It has worn on me as these ladies are sorta my lifeline as a SAHM and I don't get out much. I know that people may not understand this, but it was like losing all my friends at once. I wish I could take it back but even my apology was criticized! My safe place where I could be myself, and I could learn about parenting from several different standpoints is gone and that makes me sad. Does this mean I have to make ACTUAL friends that I can ACTUALLY meet? Gosh I hope not, I hate hugging...

I'm Pregnant Again!!!!!!!

APRIL FOOLS!!!

I bet you thought I was serious! HAHAHAHA... Now if you'll excuse me, I really need to find some wood to knock on.