In response to some haters that can't get enough of me, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't secretly snorting milk (or in your case, formula) up your nose every time you checked my blog. Don't hate me because I am funny and you are sorely lacking in that department, hate me because I am beautiful, hate me because I am a better person than you, or hate me because my kid will most likely be your kid's boss someday! So many other reasons to hate a person!
In other news, my friend Jessalyn is one of the funniest people I know. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a kid yet, so mostly I just feel bad for her...being barren and all. She suffers from what we like to call "diaper envy". I just had to share an email she sent to me this week with all of you:
I am sorry to report that I can no longer read your/Ollie’s blog. I makes me feel dumb and uninformed and I simply cannot have you questioning my intelligence under a comedic guise. What is a doubler, a soaker, a mai tai and why do I want all of them, in every fabric? I didn’t even know about the underground cloth diaper movement until you stuck my little friend into a pair of patterned britches and now you throw my inexperienced, barren uterus in my face. You call it fluff, I call it INSULTING! Who do you think you are? Flaunting your tiny, padded tush baby in my face like some sort of prize in a “My Baby’s Cuter Than Your Unborn Child” contest! Just to show you that I too can be super trendy and eco-conscious while flaunting the fruits of my labor, I’m getting a puppy and making it custom cloth diapers and onesies. What’s cuter than a baby in fancy pants? A PUPPY in fancy pants! HA! While your little human gets bigger and bigger every day, my little pooch will forever be miniature and will never learn to talk back or throw spaghetti in an act of defiance. So fine, have your cute, Mensa baby…just know that every time you wipe his rear with custom cloth wipes, people are living in extreme jealousy of my couture pup! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inquire about a puppy…
I told her that as long as she breastfeeds her puppy, we can still be friends. Well, I guess she hadn't seen this yet: 
When she did she responded by saying:
Per review of your photobucket, I see that you continue to mock me by posting photos of a dog in a diaper. Fine, have it your way, take the baby and the puppy. But wait!! You couldn’t possibly think I wouldn’t have a plan B! You have forced me against my will to pull out the piece-de-resistance! As of tomorrow, I will begin dressing my boyfriend in the cutest under-britchy things you have ever seen. Ok, so yeah, not everyone will be able to see them, sure. But I hope you can sleep at night knowing you have put me in this position! The lengths I must now go through just to keep up with the cute factor you bring to the table. What a wicked web you weave.
Oh JESS!!!! Too late...again.
1 comment:
For a second I was speechless, then the rage came and I can’t turn it off!
1) Wow!! When you are committed, YOU ARE COMMITTED! This whole baby thing has really turned you topsy turvey, and I don’t even mind telling you that I just don’t know who you are anymore. You’ve gone around diapering the universe in some sort of manic mom episode. Someday CT will come home and there you’ll be…in the corner of a dark room, stroking your fluff, saying “My Precioussssss” repeatedly. I think the breast milk has gone to your head. (See point 2 below)
2) You have proven to be a worthy adversary, so hat’s off to you. I clearly underestimated you by thinking a Plan A and B were sufficient. But, worry not! I have contacted a local obstetrician who will begin injecting me with a drug to induce lactation early next week. And what exactly am I going to do with this new found skill set you ask? I’m going to donate my super-milk to orphans, refugees, and other relief efforts. I won’t be haphazardly expending my life juice on a middle class, suburban American baby or carelessly filling fast food to-go cups, NO! I will save lives, many, many lives. HaHA! Beat THAT!
In all seriousness, I think it’s great what you do! Ollie has such a great head start because of your dedication to learning and implementing all of the Mommy best practices you can find. As Ollie and I were discussing the finer points of sustainable farming and the Tibetan crisis the other day, it occurred to me that I couldn’t ask for a better little baby friend…or a better baby momma friend.
P.S. I almost hesitate to ask, but why is CT in a diaper? If you intend on trying for a baby Claire (baby #2), I strongly suggest that CT stay away from all adult sized, baby paraphernalia. How does one resist a come hither look when it comes from a 6 foot tall, lanky red head dressed in baby gear?
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