Haters

In response to some haters that can't get enough of me, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't secretly snorting milk (or in your case, formula) up your nose every time you checked my blog. Don't hate me because I am funny and you are sorely lacking in that department, hate me because I am beautiful, hate me because I am a better person than you, or hate me because my kid will most likely be your kid's boss someday! So many other reasons to hate a person!

In other news, my friend Jessalyn is one of the funniest people I know. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a kid yet, so mostly I just feel bad for her...being barren and all. She suffers from what we like to call "diaper envy". I just had to share an email she sent to me this week with all of you:

I am sorry to report that I can no longer read your/Ollie’s blog. I makes me feel dumb and uninformed and I simply cannot have you questioning my intelligence under a comedic guise. What is a doubler, a soaker, a mai tai and why do I want all of them, in every fabric? I didn’t even know about the underground cloth diaper movement until you stuck my little friend into a pair of patterned britches and now you throw my inexperienced, barren uterus in my face. You call it fluff, I call it INSULTING! Who do you think you are? Flaunting your tiny, padded tush baby in my face like some sort of prize in a “My Baby’s Cuter Than Your Unborn Child” contest! Just to show you that I too can be super trendy and eco-conscious while flaunting the fruits of my labor, I’m getting a puppy and making it custom cloth diapers and onesies. What’s cuter than a baby in fancy pants? A PUPPY in fancy pants! HA! While your little human gets bigger and bigger every day, my little pooch will forever be miniature and will never learn to talk back or throw spaghetti in an act of defiance. So fine, have your cute, Mensa baby…just know that every time you wipe his rear with custom cloth wipes, people are living in extreme jealousy of my couture pup! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inquire about a puppy…

I told her that as long as she breastfeeds her puppy, we can still be friends. Well, I guess she hadn't seen this yet:

When she did she responded by saying:

Per review of your photobucket, I see that you continue to mock me by posting photos of a dog in a diaper. Fine, have it your way, take the baby and the puppy. But wait!! You couldn’t possibly think I wouldn’t have a plan B! You have forced me against my will to pull out the piece-de-resistance! As of tomorrow, I will begin dressing my boyfriend in the cutest under-britchy things you have ever seen. Ok, so yeah, not everyone will be able to see them, sure. But I hope you can sleep at night knowing you have put me in this position! The lengths I must now go through just to keep up with the cute factor you bring to the table. What a wicked web you weave.

Oh JESS!!!! Too late...again.

Made by Mom

The baby in the picture is not Oliver. Nor is it a baby I have secretly adopted. It is the son of a great WAHM who makes these very cute onesies. Don't you know that babies are the new billboard? It is THE t-shirt to have for your healthy, happy breastfeeding babies this summer!

Why this T-shirt? Because I believe in supporting Work At Home Moms, or WAHM, as much as possible. Soon, many people will be getting economic stimulus checks. The idea behind it is to stimulate the economy by spending it at retailers. This only works though, if you buy American, and even better, locally. Make sure to keep that money circulating to those who need and deserve that money and your support most. It takes a little work to find these mamas, but it is so worth it!

But this doesn't mean you have to sacrifice quality, far from it! From the Breastaurant, to the freakin awesome diapers my friends Lisa and Tasha make, to the amazingly soft, cute, and cheap! cloth wipes (and soon custom napkins) that my girl Quilter makes, the quality is superb and the prices are low. Why not look to see what you can buy from a hardworking mom instead of a big box store that drives up the cost of living and takes up valuable resources? Go green. Save green!

You aren't restricted to only cloth diapers, though for my money, why would you spend all that money on trash to diaper your baby with...you can support WAHMs by buying bath and body supplies, jewelry, clothing, art, home accessories! Check out what earth friendly, mama supporting, baby loving things you can buy with your stimulus check! One warning though: once you start, you may find it hard to stop!

15 lessons to learn PRIOR to having Children!!!!

This one isn't my original thought, but it is funny anyway.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast-feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immedi ately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. > (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can 't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look ch eerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flo wer bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems .
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and
a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower .

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1.. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back
seat. Sprinkle cheerio s all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along bot h sides of the car.

Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out.
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
3. Go out the front door.
4. Come in again. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.


Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other ha lf, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Immunization Rant

Okay, I get it! Heaven forbid my child becomes the Outbreak monkey and infects thousands with a long dead virus like Polio or Measles but is it absolutely necessary to stab the child four times every two months?! Won't this just cause worse and worse illnesses to appear and weaker and weaker immune systems? The worst part with shots isn't the crying, or the look of betrayal, or holding them down while a stranger hurts them. It isn't even the day after when they spike a fever of 101.6 and their leg swells up and is painful to move. It is the feeling that you are doing something wrong. That in the next 20 years, when they are researching why so many little boys have Autism, or a third eye or something, they will realize, oh, maybe we SHOULDN'T have overloaded their systems at two days old with the Hep. B vaccine.

They also want me to give him Vitamin D supplement so he doesn't get Rickets. RICKETS?? What are we, pirates?! You want me to make sure he gets citrus too so he doesn't get Scurvy?! And make sure, no pet rats, you know what a bitch that Black Death is!! Not to get all preachy and religious on these people, but isn't it something that we trust god with our jobs, money, lives, even our death, but when it comes to our babies, doctors are the leading authority. I mean I get it, my grandmother had Polio and it is a good thing that vaccines exist, but what is the rush!? Do you really think a two month old is going to stumble into a measles outbreak? OR could it be possible that it is just more convenient for the doctors to haphazardly give these quick four shots, and be done with it?

The really scary thing? If, god forbid, there was an outbreak of one of the diseases that he has been immunized against, the shots would not prevent him from getting sick necessarily. In fact, most the people who get sick with an outbreak HAVE been immunized. It concerns me that he has every side effect mentioned and that even the CDC states that the side effects will just worsen with each shot. This scares me enough to delay or stagger the rest of his shots.

Four Month Appointment

Well, today was a red letter day. Oliver had his four month doctor appointment and he did really well, even with the nasty shots. As a side note, the next kid will be on a spaced out, delayed shot schedule. I just think 5 each time is absurd. Anyway, he got his shots, and spit out the rotovirus. The nurse said it was so sugary most kids like it, well not my kid! He spit all of it out, so I guess he protests the amount of immunizations as well. He cried for a few seconds, but as soon as he had his mommy he stopped.

The good part? He weighs 15lbs, 10oz and is 25" long! The doctor said he is a poster child for breastfeeding and that he needs nothing else until 6 months. At that time, we are to start him on rice (brown organic) cereal. Just a little bit at a time if he likes it we can move on to other foods. I look forward to solids because I don't feel rushed into it. It is nice to have a doctor who backs you up on such things!

He is on track or ahead of schedule on all milestones, she was a little worried about him not laughing yet and then he did that squeak squeal he does all the time, and she was all, what do you call that!? I guess he has been laughing for about a month if that counts. I was thinking laughing meant giggles, which he never does. I think it is just because we aren't very funny. Well, I am, but CT, not so much.

The doctor also complimented us on his diapers. When was the last time a baby in pampers got compliments - I ask you!

Breastfeeding 101

Oliver is four months old! I wonder if I squeeze him tight enough, he will stop growing and stay tiny forever. In the past four months, I have been asked time and time again the same basic questions about breastfeeding. Sometimes several times by the same people. So, I thought maybe I should post my answers here as people believe print more than words sometimes. I will include research links to back up my answers.

Q: Why aren't you giving him water?
A: Babies do not need water, as breastmilk is 88% water. Even in the hottest, driest climates babies get all the water they need from breastmilk. When they are Oliver's age, babies will fill up on water and will not want to nurse. As water has no calories or nutritional value, it is akin to giving them air instead of food. This causes problems as you can imagine. http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/baby-water.html

Q: Can I give him just one bite of french fry, ice cream, meat and potato, etc?
A: NO! Oliver is only 4 months old. The American Academy of Pediatrics (along with World Health Organization, UNICEF, etc) doesn't recommend starting solids (and yes, cereal is a solid) until at least 6 months. Some babies aren't ready until 9 months. The longer you delay solids, the less likely the baby is to have allergies, get sick, become obese, and prevents future siblings. So please, unless Oliver meets all the following items, do not feed him solids. http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/solids-when.html

• Baby can sit up well without support.
• Baby has lost the tongue-thrust reflex and does not automatically push solids out of his mouth with his tongue.
• Baby is ready and willing to chew.
• Baby is developing a “pincer” grasp, where he picks up food or other objects between thumb and forefinger. Using the fingers and scraping the food into the palm of the hand (palmar grasp) does not substitute for pincer grasp development.
• Baby is eager to participate in mealtime and may try to grab food and put it in his mouth.

Q: How long do you plan on breastfeeding? (usually said with a sour look)
A: As long as I can. I used to think that once they can ask for it by name, they need to wean. Think of your favorite food. I bet you ask for it by name, does this mean you should no longer have it? Many women wean as soon as the baby comprehends what he is getting, how sad is this! The baby is just starting to realize how much he loves breastfeeding and then it gets jerked away! I will stop BFing when the baby is no longer interested. If this means 2 years, don't look at me like I am molesting my child. It makes me want to cry just thinking about weaning, come to think of it, probably makes HIM cry too. http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

Q: Don't you need to pump and dump if you have that glass of wine?
A: A glass of wine or A beer is not that big of a deal. I usually have maybe 1-2 drinks a week, and I wait until after the baby has eaten to have one giving the minute amount of alcohol to leave my system before he wants to eat again. Or I give him a bottle with expressed milk. The rule of thumb is "safe to drive, safe to feed". I do appreciate your concern though! http://www.kellymom.com/health/lifestyle/alcohol.html

Sorry this isn't a cute, funny blog. I am getting really tired of hearing people talk about breastfeeding as if it were a drain on me and something to get over fast. I know you all want to feed Oliver, and after all solids are fun! However, I want to do the best for my child so please trust that I am doing just that by giving him food GOD made for him. He has years and years and years to spend away from me, so let him be completely dependent on me for just a little while please.

Baby's First Tornado

A call interrupted our peaceful evening on Wednesday night. CT had decided to stay home from choir that night so we were all in bed watching some show we had DVRed. The call came from my mom, she was panicked as a huge storm was headed straight for us. This same storm had been producing tornadoes elsewhere, so it was a good time to call. So, reluctantly, we turn Super Nanny off and start watching a local channel. Well that confirmed it, yup, thats a storm alright!

The weatherman was warning everyone to stay inside and to get to somewhere safe. So, like all suburban white folk, CT heads outside. But it was okay, because so was our neighbor. I was finishing a brownie when the warning call was issued. "OK, that sounds like a train, lets get in a bathroom." Now, for all of you who have been to my house, and have peed in my downstairs bathroom, you understand. In a tiny, 4X4 half bath we crammed CT, myself, the baby who was fighting sleep anyway, and our very skittish deer-like dog.

CT decided, we need a radio in here. So I go get the radio from the garage. I also got: a flashlight, my baby pillow from upstairs, a toy for the baby, a treat for my dog, a cell phone AND the house phone, my grandmother's earrings, and, finally, the Lone Star I had been drinking. Then I realized, why am I the one who is going on a scavenger hunt while CT stays safe in the bathroom. Afterall, I am our son's FOOD SOURCE. Finally, after all things were collected, we sat, waiting for the roof to fly off, in a tiny, unairconditioned, bathroom.

It was then when we realized, we can't hear the TV and the radio isn't working. This was also around the same time that the hail started. We crept out of the bathroom to see if we could catch some news. The weatherman was saying to stay away from windows and to get to the bathroom. So of course, we run to the windows to see how big the hail was. Around this time, our neighbor ran across the street and is banging on our door to make sure we were inside and safe. Ponder the amazing logic of this man while I continue the story...

Well, the "train sound" got really loud, so we run back into the bathroom, grabbing a folding chair so I could sit on our way. Let me stop the story for a bit to explain something about me. When I get nervous, I get gassy. When I get very nervous, I poop. It's nature's way of weeding me out of the herd, because everything I have read says that fight or flight should make your bodily functions stop. Nervous Elimination may be hereditary because when the baby gets nervous, he throws up. Okay, back to the story. Too bad for CT, we didn't have a gas mask, because as I said before, it was a very small unventilated room and I was getting nervous, and uncomfortable. I said this much to CT, and he looked at me with a mixture of fear and nausea. "No way you are pooping with me sitting on a folding chair watching you. Go upstairs."

By that time, there was very big, very loud hail pounding on our roof and hammering on our windows. So, I am not stupid, I didn't go upstairs. I RAN upstairs. Thankfully, everything came out okay, and the storm lifted. We all learned something that day. Like, we need to have a storm kit. And that storm kit should include water, snacks, dog treats and a bigger bathroom.

Beware: Baby Crack

It is 10am. Do you know where your infant is? I know where mine is, chilling in his swing, staring blankly at a screen. It goes by several names. The boob tube, the idiot box, the telly. It's scientific name is Television, street name, TV. Beware, new parents, of this charming, seemingly harmless fascination that your child might have with the people who live inside that pretty box. Soon, they will lose interest in their old hobbies of finding their toes and drooling for more dangerous liaisons with Jon and Kate Plus 8, Oprah, and The Colbert Report. No longer will they be satisfied with smiling pleasantly at passerbys at restaurants. Instead they will stare, mouth agape at the classic basketball game playing, nay, lurking in the bar.

The addiction starts harmlessly. Maybe at Easter at your in-laws your baby might be sitting on the lap of his beloved grandma, and maybe, just maybe Cinderella Man is playing in front of him. No one is watching the two month old, since we all know babies don't watch TV, when it happens. He gets his first taste of television. The first sample is free of course, but soon the child is stealing glances at the electronic section at Target, trying to sell his teething rings on Ebay to pay for his Netflix subscription, and going on all night TiVo binges.

The sad truth is that it happens to nice families. You think you are doing everything right as a prenatal parent, reading to them everynight, playing classy music for them, and you never stuck your fetus in front of the TV you had installed in your womb, you swear! But like it or not, somewhere between the delivery room and Baby's First Trip to Fry's - they got hooked. When this happens, you have a decision to make. Are you going to allow them to watch crap or educational material? Obvious right? Which is why I have banned Baby Einstein and my baby now watches Star Trek and The Daily Show.

Weekend Fun

So, new plan people! I have decided too much goes on those days that Daddy is home. Therefore, I, Oliver Liam Goss shall not sleep during this time. I will do whatever it takes to keep my eyes from closing. This includes but is not limited to: raising my eyebrows as high as they go (see picture), playing with rings - I love those things, screaming when the boob gets near - that wicked woman always puts me to bed, and moaning rhythmically to keep myself awake.

Afterall, there are parties to go to, conversations to not understand, colorful shirts to stare at! You would be crazy to sleep at a time like that! At this time in my life, I am doing so much. Rolling over, standing on people, putting things in my mouth-taking them out-putting them in-out again, the possibilities are endless!

One silly thing that I am being subjected to is that sometimes they put me in a jail at night. Who ever slept well in jail? And what did I do to deserve such a thing? Is my crime being sleepy, cause that is when they put me in there! Well, I don't know what they are thinking but if they insist on taking me away from warm milky people and placing me in an isolation chamber, I will show them...I shall never sleep!!!

Another thing I enjoy is baths. You know what I don't enjoy? Leaving the bath. Is it possible to live in that little tub? The outside world is so dry, it is silly really. I hear a rumor about a HUGE bathtub that is FILLED with water. The Boob keeps asking Daddy to find some kind of card to get us into this water wonderland. I wonder where he is on that, cause I am ready! And you know another...thing...(yawn)....I I I (smack smack) like...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fun with Baby

Oliver has learned how to be interesting! He no longer just lays about wasting the day away, waiting to be fed and changed. In fact, it is really difficult to get him to lay anywhere for a long amount of time. He wants to be standing, sitting, talking and moving. His favorite games include:

1. Near/Far - I admit I stole this one from a Sesame Street. You remember the skit where Grover ruuuuns up to the screen saying "near!!" and then runs, arms akimbo, away from the screen screaming, "faaaar!" Well, it is a little bit like that but we stand the baby up and lean him close to our face, and then away from our face.

2. Air Toss or Flying Game - We all are familiar with this one. We are certain with enough practice, we can teach our infant to not just crawl and walk, but also fly. To this end, we toss Oliver up above our heads and wiggle him back down. Also, we hold him high above our heads and zoom him around. He is a little rough on the landings still.

3. Fill the Sonic Cup - This is best played in the car. We will be sitting, nursing quietly with the radio playing. Then, Oliver pops off the boob at the exact second that my milk starts really flowing, sending me scrambling for something to hold over my boob. Hence, fill the sonic cup!

4. Diaper Dump - This game can only be played when a new diaper arrives in the mail. First, I pet the diaper and squeeze it. Then, since the baby has already had his daily poop, I try it on him. Much oohing and ahhing commences. The baby immediately poops long, and loudly, ruining any chances I had of picture taking, or reveling in new fluff.
WARNING: Gratuitous Fluff Shot!!


5. Solamente Español - In my efforts to make my son bilingual, I invented this game. It consists of me trying to thread together enough high school Spanish to talk to Oliver about basic things. An example of a conversacíon: "¿Cuantos dedos de pies tienes? Uno, dos, tres etc. ¿Cuantos dedos de manos tienes? Uno, dos, tres, etc. ¿Quien es el niño muy guapo? Tú eras!"
I think this is probably just going to confuse the kid in the long run, but I have fun...and so do any native speakers who overhear.

6. Upchuck on Chuck - This is a very basic sort of a game that only needs two participants, only one needs to be aware that there is a game going on at all. The unaware party plays with Oliver until he is good and shaken up. He then tosses his cookies all over them. This is fun for two reasons. First, the baby feels much better afterwards. Secondly, it makes me feel like a bad mother for having a baby who throws up all the time. Variations of this game include Upchuck on Britt, Upchuck on Gean, and Upchuck on Mama. (Please click on picture for action shot)