Today I will hug my son a little tighter. Today I will cherish each wiggle. Today I will try not to think about the pink cheeks and tiny toes I never got to see, the body I never got to hold. Today I will count my blessings and not my losses. Today I will distract myself from dwelling on what could not be. Today I am not in labor, I am not anxiously awaiting my son or daughter's arrival. Today was the day I should have been, but am not, a new mommy all over again.
Today the sun is shining, to remind me not to cry. Today I will take pictures of the son I have and the belly I am growing. Today is just a day, not a birth day, not a labor day...and that is okay. Today the baby inside is reminding me that they did not leave, not for long, and are back to stay.
Tonight I will not wake to a crying newborn, my breasts will not flow, and my belly will not ache with emptiness. Tonight I will dream, of downy hair, of angel feathers, of my children's lost sibling. Tonight I will allow myself to grieve, to cry for what my life could look like. Tonight my sleep will be restless, but for today...for today, I smile for tomorrow.
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5 comments:
I love you sweetie. My thoughts are with you today.
nooooo....I'm so sorry.
So glad you can and do share your thoughts so beautifully...love you
You are a gifted poet among so many other things. Your loss was so beautifully expressed. Your optimism and appreciation for what you do have is genuine.
As hard as it was, maybe you will be able to comfort someone else in their grief.
I love you, Alyssa.
Love you Alyssa!
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