Being Present

Not so long ago, I was an addict. I ignored my kids, neglected my household duties, even forwent food and drink for this terrible drug of choice. It was, of course, my addiction to my computer. It didn't take an intervention to break me of this habit. In a moment of clarity and possibly frustration, while I was trying to type with one hand while entertaining a squirming baby with the other, bouncing her on my knee while trying to balance the laptop and all the while my son is sitting like a potato on the couch having his mind eaten away by cartoons, it hit me, this computer was taking over my life and my kids' lives. And then the computer hit the wall. Hard. It felt really really good.

I look back and realize how much it was my fault that my son didn't talk until he was two. How many moments I probably missed because I thought my opinion was so important to women I have never met and hardly knew. How many opportunities to teach my children that passed while I was busy trying to make my life seem funny and light, on a blog that only served to feed my own ego. I think about all this wasted time, all the snuggles that went unrequited, all the bonding time with my husband I took for granted, all the snubbing of affection I did because I had to get one more thought out. I think about all of these missed life memories and I want to scream.

I finally decided that I would rather be out making more memories with my kids rather than writing down all of the memories we did make. I don't want to fit my kids in when I have time, they deserve better than that! I want to be present for them, in the moment when they are showing me a new dance move or are THIS CLOSE to letting go of the table and walking into my arms. I want to play half games of Candyland until the cows come home and teach every single one of Oliver's dolls to use the potty. I want my daughter to know that she is worth me taking the time to teach her how to be a woman, I want my son to know that he is worth listening to.

So I am sorry, blog fans, if the posts are less and less. I am going to seriously try to post videos and pictures, but if I fall short of your expectations, find comfort in the fact that I am finally rising up to the expectations of my children.