The Christmas Blahs

Bleh. You know that feeling when you just want to punch an elf? When you think if you hear Christmas in Sarajevo ONE. MORE. TIME. you are going to throw yourself from your car? When all the presents you were so excited about giving start to look like junk and you can't tell whether your White Elephant gift is funny, too nice or actually just some piece of junk you found in your garage? Yea, thats how you know you have it. The Christmas Blahs.

Your intentions to have a festive season starts off good enough. You get swept up in the excitement of shopping and caroling and decorating the house with lights and a tree, and baking all sorts of things you would never even think of attempting at any other time of the year. You may even get ambitious and decide to buck the Target system and handmake all of your gifts. Then, inevitably, you get tired. Cause these things don't just appear!! In order to decorate the house you have to make three trips to the attic, bug your husband to help you find the the right hammer and nails for light stringing, and become close personal friends with Gloria down at the Hobby Lobby searching for that perfect wreath or blow up Santa in Helicopter lawn ornament. Making a batch of cookies and start a family tradition with your toddler son, requires kicking your oven, 14 trips to HEB, cursing your oven, borrowing cookie cutters from better moms, and finally requesting that Santa bring you a new oven. Picking a tree becomes a real v. fake philosophy discourse. Santa becomes either a rebellion or a web of lies depending on how you were raised and scarred for life. Christmas isn't Christmas until someone has cried, someone has threatened divorce, and someone has gotten drunk (not necessarily in that order).

Also when did the tradition of whoever is youngest has to travel to see all the older family members start? I would like to give that person a stern talking to! If you don't have a child under the age of 18, you should be the one to get in YOUR car and visit all of your kids. Exceptions will be given to those who are bed ridden, infirm or recovering from major surgeries. It is unfair also that since parents decide to divorce, the kids are then shuffled from one house to another on Christmas. Default to the children. It is ONE night people, suck it up and have dinner together, you had babies together, you can stand to give this ONE DAY to your children. Same thing goes with inlaws. My perfect Christmas is one where only children get gifts, my ENTIRE family gathers in one place, and no one treats anyone's girlfriend, wife, friend or other acquaintance with anything but love and goodwill. I firmly believe there isn't an argument alive that can't be solved with some Scrabble.

Every year the week before Christmas I have a meltdown and threaten to boycott Christmas next year. And every year the day after Thanksgiving I get sucked back into the racket because of all these dang Christmas specials and that 24/7 carol station on the radio. Every year I say I won't be a consumer, and every year my knitting needle breaks around the same time I do and off to Target I go with the masses to buy shit no one will ever use, no one will ever remember I gave and will look at for 32 seconds (if I am lucky) before moving onto the present that they ACTUALLY wanted.

Bah Humbug.